It's amazing how there are no mistakes in life! Nothing is by accident, and the "wrong choice" isn't ever an option. Everything that IS is actually more than just IS but is actually BEAUTIFUL!
Make sense?
The past 2.5/3 weeks have been my longest time spent at home since my junior year of college, and to be honest, I was afraid. What would I do? Would I be bored? Would I feel stifled, or lazy, uninspired, or overall counterproductive???
I ate a lot...A LOT, and I was a touch on the lazier side, but the rest was well deserved considering the amusement park that was my first year and a half in New York City. I was sort of inspired, and exhausted. I was thrilled to be in the center of it all yet couldn't wait to get away. I was having a hard time finding my niche, my avenue, my place, my purpose. I wondered with a furrowed brow and a large question mark above my head. Thus began the quest! I ended my life as I knew it in NYC and bought a one-way ticket to Tel Aviv, Israel, but not without a pitstop to the original stomping grounds. The bit of earth that nurtured me into the confused and lost person you read about right now...Never would I change a second!
While here in Miami...In the room that I spent my high school years in. The bed that I went to sleep in every night and woke up in every morning, the desk that I sent my first IM from, the bathroom that I cried in when I heard Aaliyah had died...this is what I call home. My historical landmark, the vatican of my life. This very room, this space that was mine was where I felt ever feeling and emotion under the sun and known to man, this was the epicenter of my life and I'm not back in it for nothing.
Being here with the things I knew, and reminiscing with the music that I'd heard here, in this space, for the first time, magically transported me back to the mental states I was in 10+ years ago. The songs that I fell in love with and the loves that I dedicated them to. The art that I started to learn about and the passion and dedication it brought out of me. The fantasies that brought me such hope for the future and such disdain from the rejection that would regularly follow until I'd get over it and continue to the next. The dance of the adolescent and the pre/mid-pubescent.
I often find myself pondering about the past. Wondering if I was sad because I decided to be sad, or if there were actual external factors that kept me feeling negative, insecure, inadequate, and the list goes on. Was it the slow jams that were filled with so much emotions that I couldn't help but internalize? Was it "kool" and artsy to be a martyr? Was it the people that I fell in love with but who didn't love me back? The people that I wanted to be? Was it real love or just infatuations or just a need for validation? Where did ALL of these feelings come from, and why did I FEEL them so strongly???
What I've discovered here is that the question "why" is irrelevant. Those feeling where there...they WERE. And now they ARE. And what they ARE is BEAUTIFUL! The love that I felt then may not have the same definition that I give it today but back then it WAS love. What made me feel, and why it made me feel no longer matters...what matters are the lessons that those sensations taught (and continue to teach) me and that, my friends, is invaluable. The lessons that make you feel like you're alive, the lessons, that teach you about yourself, and about others, those around you. The lessons that keep you questioning and redefining words like worth, inspiration, passion, and most importantly Love!
I was here, I felt, I left, and I have now come back to remember all of my loves and all of my passions, and now, with all of this, I continue my quest outside of the country!!!
I continue living!!!
I give thanks to this room, to this space. To my parents and the rest of my family for growing but still being the family that I've always known. And to my past, for every sensation, every lesson that has gotten me to be the person that I am today.
Special thanks to two ladies I had dinner with last night, both of whom I fell in love with yet left me heartbroken because they knew more about me than I knew about myself. It maybe wasn't the love we know and seek today but it was Love...and if you notice, it still is, over a decade later. And to the other one there that renders me speechless from the stage...I've literally spent the past 45 mins trying to find the words to express what you do and how you do it and how it makes me feel but I'm left without words. The show itself was amazing...but I see you and I remember why I fall in love. Passion is now an understatement...you are joy, you are love, you are LIFE!
Wish me luck and I will see you all on the other side!!!
