Wow…it’s been a while, huh?
Know that the intent was never to “stop writing upon
arrival”…as the quest is an uphill climb that never ends. I have no excuses or
apologies, though I have been busy adjusting to my new, yet oddly familiar surroundings
and life. ;)
I have lived in three apartments in the past two months of
being back and am hoping that the next move will be the last for a while,
though one never really knows. I have spent almost those same two months
bartending at a restaurant that sometimes treats me well yet sometimes sketchily
doesn’t pay enough. I have heard (or read) words from an ex, post emergency
surgery. I’ve come back into contact with an old flame that never flourished but
seems to continually reappear…for no apparent reason. I’ve had good auditions
with no callbacks, and been put on hold for a few projects only to be released
a few days later. I’ve seen movies in parks and reconnected with great friends
and yet wondered where some of the others have been hiding. The whirlwind, and
questions, and emotional rollercoaster are never ending as they are a part of
the quest, I know, but it’s still hard to know what to make of it all.
At moments I find it necessary to revitalize myself as I see
myself sinking into old habits, then at other times I’m encouraged, and
empowered! Watching myself float on air, without a care in the world, “elated
to be back!” The thing is expectation is the sweet fruit that will always bite
you back in no definite time frame and with no predictable force. That retaliation
sneaks up on you and laughs in your face, abruptly reminding you that you can
wish, plan, and wait for as long as you’d like but it will ultimately be in
vain.
While I was away, I had plenty of time to think, not that
THAT much has changed since then. I still have ample spare time (fortunately or
unfortunately depending on how you look it) though the location change has made
a grave difference. Overseas there was a lack of communication, a lack of
personal and private space, and no real sign of a potential future. Here,
however, I understand everyone clear as day (for the most part) and am paying
for my own space which now adds an overhead charge, and a financial responsibility
that not only comes with the territory, so to speak, but also has a way of
lingering and looming over one’s head, applying a pressure similar to that of
the depths of the Antarctic Sea.
Once the decision was made to return to The States I had all
of the sunrises, and sunsets to plan and envision my new life once I’d landed,
but life seldom goes as we plan…for better and for worse. I did find a job that
earns me SOME money, and I’ve always found a place to stay…but that job is more
in the food and beverage industry and less in the self-help/personal
growth/education world I was hoping it’d be in. And “my own place” is far from
being my own. There are, ABSOLUTELY, blessings to be counted, I will not deny
that, but what does it mean when the things you planned, hoped, and prayed for
don’t quite materialize themselves the way you thought they would? When do
goals become fantasies – situations imagined by an individual or group, which
do not correspond with reality but express certain desires or aims of it’s
creator; and when does reality – The state of things as they actually exist,
become settling? I don’t want to be stagnant or inactive, but how does one know
when what they want is actually realistically, out of reach, or if it IS in
reach, just a far reach beyond chutes and ladders and hurdles and obstacles?
How do we know when to dream through a state of disparity or to conceit and
“fall in line”?
Yes, these may be trying times but I am not defeated! I have
not given anything up, and am miraculously still proud of myself for my
achievements and perseverance. It’s just the proof that I am human being human,
and don’t have the answers…
…Though truth be told it isn’t about answers…its about
process. Education!
Happy Journey, friends!
:)
~S
