The True Intention

They say that “the road to hell is paved with good intentions,” and I am beginning to doubt that…to HIGHLY doubt that.

They also say that “no good deed goes unpunished…(“no act of charity goes un-resented” –Ok, I’m done!)

Really?

I have been wanting to blog about this new obsession of mine for a while now but anyone who’s even written from the heart knows that when the content hits a bit too close to the core it gets difficult to continue, but here we go…a blog post about Intention.

There are a few themes circling around my head, probably much too much for one blog post, however, the through line, the common denominator, the constant variable seems to be intention.

Merriam-Webster defines Intention as 1: a determination to act in a certain way 2: PURPOSE. Now, the fact that definition #2 is in all caps I feel is no “over-look” or accident. To me, intention is purpose…the reason, the impetus, the spark that ignites and illicits change, the cause for action. Yes, yes, yes, this is the definition of intention, but what’s become a bit unclear for me (and maybe for many of us) is TRUE intention.

Yup!

This is where my mind starts to reel and spin. I second guess, I dig deep, I try to figure out what it REALLY is that I’m looking for, and what is it that I’m trying to gain with the words that I use, or by the actions I take. The phone calls, and text messages, the seeing friends shows, and the picking them up from the subway station to walk them to their next job just to see them for a few blocks. The hours spent on hook-up or dating web sites, chatting with or being ignored by and for what??? What are my intentions…my TRUE intentions??? Some days they are clear, and some days they really aren’t and this is why it’s taken so long to write, and why I am rambling yet again.

I got into a bit of a discussion a little over a month ago with a friend when I said that the one thing you can’t measure is a person’s true intention. He told me that not only can you see someone’s “intentions” through their actions, but also that technology as advanced to the point where you can literally measure a person’s “intentions.” To which I responded, “You can measure if someone is telling the truth or not via algorithms and spikes in physiological responses to certain questions, but you can never measure someone’s TRUE intention.” I said this because I believe that I can physically say whatever I’d like rather it be the truth or not. And because I believe those tests can be manipulated. But I also said it because, honestly, sometimes I don’t even know what my TRUE intentions are so how can someone else, outside of me, be so sure???…

There, I said it!

I can barely read my own mind, which must make it impossible for someone else to know the true reasoning behind my actions.

A simple example: Someone goes to the grocery store. People go to the grocery store all the time, fine, but why??? Because they need groceries? Sure… why not. But what if there’s a need to get out of the house? Be it because they’re being abused and need the escape even if it’s for a mere half hour. Or they’re going stir crazy, bored and depressed, home alone and just need a change of scenery. What if there’s a check out clerk who will be there and they just want to see them? All completely different intentions, all valid, yet all tied to the same action…and all easily dismissed by saying “What? I’m just going to the grocery store.”  

Now, if we want to get REALLY heady, there’s also the fact that we are all raised to be social beings, and in order to fit into this social society we must know and agree with the differences between “right” and “wrong”…and to choose “right.”

Now, in order to choose and to continually choose “right,” whatever has been agreed upon as “right” must be justified, and so it is justified. Rather individually or socially, a justification for an action is set in place. “I do this to be a good mother,” “I do this to be a good spouse,” “I do this because it’s ‘right’…” but what happens when we doubt that justification or when it isn’t enough? What if our intentions become unclear because we no longer know if they are OUR intentions or the intention’s thrust upon us by society?

See the confusion?

I will take last night as another example (this is all part of me clarifying things for myself so please bare with me as I share this personal example…I’m sure I’m getting somewhere):

It was New Years Eve, I had a fun gig go-go dancing to disco music at a lovely members only club. It paid some money, was an open bar, and I was obliged to invite one guest. I invited a friend that I hoped would come back to my place that night and spend the majority of the following day with me, a cuddle buddy to help bring in a warm new year. What we did instead was meet up with his roommate, around 1:45am after the gig, so that they could go home together. I walked them to their train then walked myself back to my train…alone.

It took a day or two for that fever to break and for the swelling to go down, but not because of my friend going home and leaving me alone, but because of my own lack of truth and clarity. To start, said friend and I had already spoken of what was to/and not to become of our friendship, and as a result, because of that conversation I was “too scared” to be honest about my desires and ultimately my true intentions.

Gosh, as I write I see that there is so much at play here…it’s overwhelming but the only way to get through any of it is to step through the facts that we already know, one at a time…So…

Fact 1: Honesty: the only way to be honest with others is to be honest with ourselves! My friend was clear…I (as many people do) decided to BELIEVE in what I wanted to be true as opposed to the actual truth. This is slip #1. In choosing to believe the non-truth, I allowed myself to veer down a path that would lead me away from my friend and keep me from attaining my happiness. This, I think we can all agree, is counterproductive.

This brings us back to True Intention: (step 2) I feel we’re at a point where I can be candid with you, my True Intention was to “Git Sum,” and I wanted “sum” from my friend. Slip #2: I cleaned my apartment top to bottom, I bought extra groceries and the fixin’s for morning mimosas, and I invited my friend to this very exclusive party, all the while telling myself that “whatever happens, happens and it’s all fine!” and even “What am I doing? I know ‘better’ than this!” But I continued…NEVER ONCE being honest about my intentions with my friend. I didn’t ask if he’d be interested in any of what I’d already spent my time and energy on. This is the horse pill that’s tough to swallow…I truly set myself up to be let down. I did just about everything I could to not get what I wanted…down to wanting something I knew very well was not mine to have!

*Wow, yup, I said that too*

I’ve realized that the reason why I grapple with relationship “stuff” is because matters of the emotional heart of others is probably the thing furthest from my control, but that may be a whole ‘nother blog post for another day.        

THE MORAL of my little anecdote is that we must be as honest and as clear about our intentions as we can be. We owe it to each other, and most importantly we owe it to ourselves! We must also be honest enough with ourselves to take responsibility for our own lack of clarity (this is often times the hardest part). In this situation, my friend really didn’t do anything “wrong.” On the contrary, he was very honest and upfront with his feelings and his intentions. He was invited, and he came. I hope he had a good time, but alas, he did his part. Now it’s time for me to really reassess what it is I want, how I intend to find it, then to open myself up to the gifts from this universe!

(…And I encourage us all to do the same!)

Let us start by really knowing why we are doing what we do. Depending on your relationship, it may be healthy to share that, but honestly…as long as your intentions are clear to yourself, you can continue down the path towards your own happiness!

I think I need a nap…Phew!

~S

The Day Love

Sitting home with my coffee, in silence. The sounds of a few birds and construction vehicles pour in through the windows with the warm light and chilled air. It is fall in New York (Jersey) City, and as the leaves start to turn and die, love starts to flourish and strive. This perspective is fascinating because at first glance I am far from this love…”This Love.” However, I am filled with love and void of grievance! Sure, the occasional cuddled movie night and cold morning warmed by hot bodies will be missed, but what I will not miss is the fact that I love. From the way I say “Bye Ma”, out loud, to my mother’s voicemails, to the way I lost my breath and missed a step when I heard my brother had an “episode” onboard an aircraft before lift off. From the terrifying way I should be reading a script right now, and how I have no idea what’s about to happen but I’m so thrilled, so proud, so excited and scared and can’t wait. From the tears that accumulated but were suppressed on the train while reading about a certain little boy who is “emerging out of autism.” And from, what I will call, “The Day Love” that I’ve just had.

The Day Love can be a fling, or a romance however short or long; physical, intellectual or emotional. They come and they go, and you hope to stay in touch, and maybe you do, but ultimately they are elsewhere…and they are gifts! This particular Day Love has traveled “from far and wide” only to land at L’Express on 20^th and Park for a late night steak and a glass of wine. This Day Love, though probably ignorant to the fact, has become an inspiration. A muse. A reason to try, to write, to work, to love…This Day Love, in no time at all, through purity and honesty and truth has reminded me that there is love. Somewhere and around, the possibilities are still there for love, and furthermore that I Love.

A Gift

I use these words to remind you that there is love…and that I am not the only one who IS Love…YOU are also love! If a romantic relationship is what you seek, I hope you find what you are looking for. Romantic love can be so sweet, however it’s sweetness is not to bitter the senses to a Motherly Love, or a Compassionate Love. A Love for plants, and pets, and antique doorknobs or the color Cerulean. The love of fulfilling career-shifting work, or the Love Of Self! We are all Love. A collective sharing of love…Be a Gift!

~S

The Re-Affirmation

Yesterday on my hike trough Waitsfield, Vermont I took a turn off the paved road and felt a breeze greet my next step. I asked the wind where I should go next in life, to take me to where I should be. It was as if the leaves responded “What’s wrong with where you are?”

Translation: Live In The Moment! Embrace it! Instead of obsessing over where you’ve been and where you “should” go, take a look at where you are! Appreciate it. And know that when the time comes for you to be in the next place, then there you will be! Continually in the moment, wherever you are! 

That, and take a walk every now and again…you might learn things about yourself! ;)

~S

The Responsibility

   I am currently in a beautiful part of the country, playing a fantastic role, in a gorgeous show! It is fair to say that I have had worse moments and lower points in my life! Things are going well…however, human nature will always reign and life will continually throw the curveballs that we are left (responsible for) to do our damndest to catch (or dodge depending on the game).

   A show or performance, much like any other profession, involves collaboration. We as a species rely on collaboration (sometimes much to my chagrin but hey, I never said I was perfect!). Actors not only have their lines and their personal work to do but they also have directors and stage managers, co-stars or scene partners, sometimes music directors and choreographers to collaborate with. It is a world that consists of smaller parts that come together to form a performance for an audience, which can be seen as the final piece of the puzzle. This isn’t an equation created for the sole purpose of theatrical endeavors; this is the way it is in the work force…any work force. Farmers need land, crops or livestock, and exporters; writers need editors and publishers; executives need assistants, staff, accountants; and they all need consumers. Librarians have employers, and students have teachers. It is all a part of the cosmic give and take…this cycle of life. Best put by one of my favorite Haitian artists, Beethova Obas:

“nou chak nou gon misyon

nan sak chwazi bay plon

fok gen sak pou pren plon”

“We all have a mission

With those who choose to give lead

There must be those to take lead”

   As I spoke to my lovely mother today, I was reminded that though “the more” does sometimes mean “the merrier,” what also happens is that responsibility gets divied-up and shared among the population which now makes it easier to point fingers when things may falter and/or go “not-so-much-as-planned.” When collaborating as we all do on a daily basis, and responsibilities are so thinly dispersed due to shear volume, it can sometimes lead to confusion and a lack of clarity, questions as to who is responsible for what. This is where the hierarchy, food chain, or pecking order comes into play, and job descriptions are developed. There are stipulations spelled out in an agreement between an employer and an employee. This is normally where the employer says, “this is what I need from you,” and the employee says (theoretically), “well, this is what I’ll do it for.” And the contract is signed. It is now your job to do your job, and it is their job to do theirs.

Fair!

   As a manager it would be my RESPONSIBILITY to know what needs to be done, then to delegate the responsibilities to a “subordinate” (Gosh, I despise that word!). As a teacher it is my RESPONSIBILITY to have a sturdy understanding of my chosen subject, deem what is important, and communicate (teach) that to my pupils. As an actor it is my RESPONSIBILITY to know where I am supposed to go, what I’m suppose to say or sing, what I’m supposed to be wearing and what I’m supposed to be holding at any given point during a show. It is also my responsibility to listen and respond to what my scene partner has given me and still stay as close to the script, direction, and choreography as possible…there are seemingly a lot of responsibilities on any actor at anytime, however, fret not, it isn’t brain-surgery or cancer research! ;)

   But what can sometimes be forgotten is that there is also the opposite, the reverse or “the flip-side” if you will, of all this responsibility business. I call it the “Not My Responsibility” (deep…I know). In all the things that I AM responsible for, there are also the things that I am NOT responsible for…like the hem in my pants, what the percussionist is playing at any given moment during the show, NOR my scene partners entrances, costume changes, or lines. It is sometimes difficult to relinquish some of these responsibilities because we are all “striving for excellence” as a fellow actor once stated in a rehearsal that was not his responsibility (or his right) to call. We all want to be a part of a success and deliver a powerful lasting result, however, taking responsibility for something that is not yours is actually a bit presumptuous and quite frankly stingy. It is the mark of The Ego hard at work to take control and ownership of any situation. Of struggling for superiority yet will ultimately leaving you flat on your face in an omelette. (Does that compute??? “Flat on your face” and “egg on your face” mixed into one? Yea? maybe?...Anyway!)

    When the Ego spends so much time outside of itself and worrying about other people’s responsibilities it doesn’t realize that the first thing it neglects is it’s own. When we allow our Ego to fully immerse in what others are doing, rather “supposed” to be doing or “not supposed” to be doing, we run the risk of losing focus and ultimately not doing our own jobs. Then what happens is we slip up, falter, make a mistake much like humans do and there is no one left to blame but ourselves. Except now that the Ego is out and defenses are up what do we do? We deflect and maybe literally point a finger at someone else.

   It is important to be clear and honest about our responsibilities. It isn’t wrong to say “that is not my responsibility” when it isn’t. On the contrary, it gives someone else the opportunity to step up and take the responsibility, maybe be the hero. Or it can illuminate a glitch in the responsibility assignments and gives the opportunity to reassess, ultimately leaving the situation efficiently and effectively resolved. If something does go wrong and it is your responsibility, than how empowering to maturely accept it without blame or judgment, and make the difference the next time the same responsibility comes back around? We are none of us saints, or without flaws. We are humans who sometimes make mistakes be it inconvenient or not. I challenge us to clearly define our responsibilities and follow up by doing our jobs! Taking ownership of what is ours, and relinquishing what isn’t while supporting one another the whole way through.

…And if someone is pointing a blaming finger at you for something that is not your responsibility than support yourself and know that you’ve done all you could. This is also a beautiful exercise in compassion. If someone is so quick to point to you, then the chances are that they aren’t secure enough to take on their own responsibilities and that is something to be aided…not scrutinized! When we feel unjustly judged or blamed it can sometimes not have anything to do with us, and it is yet another opportunity to be a better person!

Let’s remember to support each other and ourselves!

~S

The Egg Basket

6/20/14

Could it be better to put all of ones eggs in one basket??? Then, at least, a choice has been made. The sooner we know something doesn’t work, the sooner we can move on…

It’s been said that one shouldn’t put all of one’s eggs in one basket, however, what happens when there are too many baskets? It is also said that the detriment of our generation lies in our abundance of options, leaving us with remorseful purchases, a career lacking luster, and minute relationships that seem to fizzle for no apparent reason. Is it the fast pace of New York City? Could it be that more options = better choices? Or does it have to do with Generation X, Y, Z, or W/E’s inability to commit to ANYTHING out of fear…of commitment?

“There’s gotta be something better than this” isn’t just the mantra of 3 dancehall hostesses, down on their luck in the musical Sweet Charity…it has now become the slogan of a people that “aren’t quite sure” so they’re “keeping their options open,” and can’t seem to be satisfied by anything because they are continuously in search of “the next best thing.” In a world where we can change our cell phones several times a year, a world where the computers we were taught on have evolved and the TVs we used to know are now obsolete. It is an ever changing (and rapidly so) world that we live it, which is “cute” but what does that mean to us? To our well-being? To the way we view and appreciate life???

It is good to want, to stay driven, to move forward…but at what cost? Not to settle for less, but to smell flowers, count blessings, appreciate where we are and what we have. I feel that this could lead to happier people treating others better, and heck, who knows, maybe 2^nd OKcupid dates. Lets not to cower away from making decisions or giving chances. THIS keeps us stagnant or moving in unclear directions…make a choice, follow through, COMMIT, and if it doesn’t work the way you’d like, then lucky you, you get an opportunity to make another choice, so long as you’ve given it a fair shot!

Let’s remember that in a world of marvelously endless possibilities, the first step must be made before the 3^rd, 4^th, or 5^th and when we get to step #5…let’s not forget how impressive it is that we’ve experienced and made it past 1-4.

The little wins in life are wins none the less!

~S

The Recuperation

May 2, 2014

  

     Well, here I am…better late than never, no? When I got back from the international leg of The Quest I swore this wouldn’t happen…the laps between posts. And I believe I’ve even said this very thing before, but so much time has passed how could I even know? Though The Quest is tireless and treks on, documented or not, the human tends to have it’s short-comings. Of course, there isn’t anyone to blame my neglect on but myself, however, I choose to play just about any game that isn’t the blame game, sooo…J I acknowledge my deficit in, and of, words and instead of judging (as I may have been doing), I am deciding to use this to unveil my next discover…the importance of recuperation.

     R&R (which I’ve just recently realized stands for Rest and Relaxation…one of those things I think I knew but forgot I knew…you know?), I am learning, is more than just lazy time to unwind, but, in fact, imperative to well being. To physical, mental, emotional, and over-all all-around health! It is a NECESSITY that we tend to sweep under the rug in fear of being unproductive. I keep thinking it’s an American epidemic, but considering the vast impact we have on the world I am almost positive that the “over-worked-and-under-paid-ed-ness” has spread trans-oceandically! (I hope you liked that last sentence because it’s A LOT of “creativity,” and flowery, made-up words…I’m baaaack! ;)) It all falls under the umbrella of the American Dream, (wo)man works hard to provide, (wo)man works hard to succeed, (wo)man works hard for stability and material possession, and “happiness.” Note: (wo)man tirelessly slaves from cradle to grave never once realizing that material possessions don’t cross the pearly gates with you, and that that happiness isn’t so much happiness as it is exhaustion with a minor materialistic pay-off!

     We are trained and raised to work under the (sometimes) false pretense that “the harder you work the more you get,” easily forgetting that “good work is often rewarded with more work.” We slave and never take a moment to smell the flowers, notice the light through the tree leaves, fully grasp the phenomena of the weather, or the changing of the seasons…we almost forget to breathe. And yes, noticing those things are grand and (to me) make life worth living, but what we fail to realize is that those moments of calm are crucial to our development, our healing, and ultimately our lives…

May 9, 14

     Yes…I got wrapped up in work and the desperate attempt to secure more work and neglected the EXACT message I was trying to convey…funny how things work. Goes to show, IT TAKES PRACTICE to be the person you want to be!!!

     ANWAY, what I was saying is that it is important to work. “These bills don’t pay themselves” I find myself saying often, however our kidneys, liver, and pancreas also need the time and rest to do what they were developed to do. So I implore us all (yes, I’m included in (and am victim to) this self-enslavement), to take as many moments as we can to shut down. Let the brain unconsciously focus on healing and regeneration as opposed to the array of lists that cloud our minds of ALL the things to do and their respective due dates. Close your eyes, Breathe, Feel the warm sun or the sensation of a cold breeze on your skin…take a few minutes to simply BE and notice how much more effective you can be once you’ve given yourself the opportunity to recuperate!

     And now it is time for me to post, shower, and shave after my (unbathed) day of recuperation! Aahhh, the pay-offs are pouring in…Me Happy! J

‘Till the next time…

~S

A Word to the Inappropriate

Dear couple in the second row of tonight’s show,

    

     I would like to take the liberty of speaking on behalf of my peers in thanking you for your support, however we, with as little malice as possible, respectfully wish to never see you again!

     Words of praise, words of support, GREAT, important, necessary words…except in the midst of a performance. A notable distraction not only to your neighbors and fellow ticket purchasers, but also to the performers on stage and to the crew members running and calling the show. If only it’d stopped with audible expressions of enjoyment things would’ve been manageable, but to then take personal offense when asked to refrain from disrupting the show, only to blow the roof off the building by yelling obscenities at the innocent company member…sorry, FAMILY member trying to keep the peace?!? This is where the line must be carved much deeper than drawn!

     At first it was appreciated, though inappropriate. Then word came down through the cracks that there was a near physical altercation between audience members due to  the unscripted banter from so far down stage, it was audience. Then for a man, doing more than his job and placing himself in harms way for the duration of the show, only to be verbally assaulted post curtain call? And to be truthful, it was more than verbal abuse it was more like hate crimed. Words NEVER to be uttered to another human being, let alone to one who is only trying to diffuse conflict! This is beyond unacceptable.

To the offenders: I forgive you! I forgive you, but I implore you to please open your minds and open your considerations beyond your own selves. Put yourself in someone else’s shoes and feel disrupted, feel distracted. Hopefully this will help you to make better choices in the future. As for your hate, to publicly disgrace someone and personally attack them for their sexual orientation, meanwhile being FAR from relevant, is simply unjust! I wish you peace in whatever part of you that lives in that hate, insecurity, and injustice. I wish you the clarity to see that though you may have been rattling words out of anger or ignorance, that your words still have weight and have not only impacted another individual, but have deeply effected and hurt someone tonight. In turn poisoning the entire house and hurting everyone involved in the very production you “appreciated” so much you couldn’t keep you mouth shut. Feel free to inflict however much pain onto yourself if it feels necessary, but please spare the lives, hearts, and sensibilities of others. For you, Consideration is key, the next piece in your puzzle!

To the offended: I am sorry that you have had to endure the difficulties of such injustice, however I wish for you the clarity to see that you are as responsible for someone else’s words as I am, in other words FAR from responsible! Others will project what they will onto you, but when looked at through clearer eyes it can be seen as a gift from the universe. Another opportunity to be the best, strongest YOU you can be! An opportunity to take the “high road” and be a better person (Not THE better person, A better person)! The secure YOU that can choose it’s response. You will not be held accountable for others’ actions! When considered, tonight’s events really had little to nothing to do with you! Let ignorant words fall where they may, and try not to look at said words as gospel. You know your truth, and only you can live your truth! What anyone outside of you has to say is irrelevant! Remember that you can be strength if you choose to be!

This post does not come easily. It has been revised several times over to eliminate the judgment on “the offenders,” and the judgment on myself for “not jumping to action” or “not speaking out when I had the chance.” Had it been my universal responsibility to pull that couple aside and give them a piece of my mind, then it would’ve happened, but there are rules in place, and fine lines between ”this effects us all” and “it’s none of our business.” I say this to demonstrate my humanity. We are all far from perfect, however in the face of injustice I wish you and myself more responsibility. I give US the power to communicate our true feelings, and fight injustice, ESPECIALLY in the name of integrity! That being said, feel pain when you hurt, and be mean if you must…be self-observant! Try to notice where things are coming from, and where they effect you, from there make the conscious decision to be the best human you can be. If we can all commit to this, then already this world is a better place!

To love; For it is the only thing to save us.

And

To Words; to their importance and proper use!

~S