The Renaissance

1/9/2014

It is the night of my first preview for HARD TIMES: AN AMERICAN MUSICAL (take 2) and to be honest, I am 23 clouds above 9!

It has been a little while since my last post, which, for those of you following may have noticed (…5 months and 25 days to be exact) and to say that my life has been a bit “in flux” for the past year would be a bit of an understatement. I have flown continents and shifted my way around the city that shows no mercy. I’ve spent holidays abroad with friends and strangers, and I’ve celebrated at home with the family I’ve missed, reconnected with friends I hadn’t seen in 10 years. I have been down, up, down, right, East, up, down, back, slightly left of center and it has all brought me right, back to this moment. The moment where inspiration is at 10 and my feet seem to be on some semblance of stable-ish ground…AT THE SAME TIME!

Passion: A glorious gift. To find it, to have it, taste it, live it, be it…REMEMBER it. There is no affirmation more powerful in the world than the re-introduction of a passion that dwindled, lost in the abyss that is the living of life. To reconnect with The Reason, with Le raison d’etre, with the love to, from, and for Life…there isn’t anything like it!

I have always known (or at least for a little while now) that my home was on the stage. And having been off the stage for the entirety of the year 2013 made this year one of the most complicated yet enlightening years of my short existence. As unfortunate as it may have felt at times, I knew that it’d be beyond worth the wait. Now, as I look at this seamless and brilliant transition back into the world I’d spent so much time missing, I am living to say that my patience has been well paid off.

I have spent this past year on such a desperate combing of the Earth (quite literally) for a sensation. For THE sensation that has no words of explanation. In search of a purpose, for fulfillment, for life! I know that LIFE surrounds us day in, and day out, but that feeling for which there are no words, comes in spouts and pockets of pure true love. THAT is what I was looking for. Then, to be changing out of my costume below the stage I’d just performed on, slightly nauseous from exhaustion, relief, fulfillment and/or maybe a little too much coffee, then to hear the band still playing, then the stomping sounds of the audience. Up, out of their seats and moved enough to take the stage I’d just left to dance a “reel” or a “horn pipe” in elation…that’s when it hits you…that rush. THAT feeling! The same feeling from when your parents thanked you for washing the dishes without having to be asked, the feeling you got when you caught air on your bicycle for the first time without training wheels right before you joyfully fell in accomplishment. That feeling where you know you did “right” and there is nothing left to say.

God, Alah, Jah, The Universe, Mother Nature, "It That Shall Remain Named" or "Name-less" has blessed me tonight with WAY more than a great show, but also with a RIDICULOUSLY talented and generously caring cast, and a supportive creative team. It has blessed me with the breathe of life, the sensation of living, The Reason. I feel like I will be eternally indebted to this moment, and it will be a debt I pay off with gusto (or not pay-off at all but enjoy the debt of)!

Needless to say, the show went well and I feel better than good! :)

Moral of the story:

Find your passion! Start that process by opening yourself to it. If you’ve found it but need a break, than take one. If you can’t find it, or if you’ve lost it somehow I ask you to stay open. It seems crazy, but once the work has been done, and the passion “put out there,” there comes a time where the roles reverse and your passion will find you as long as you remain open to it!

With a heart filled with love...

~S

Fantasy vs. Reality

 Wow…it’s been a while, huh?

Know that the intent was never to “stop writing upon arrival”…as the quest is an uphill climb that never ends. I have no excuses or apologies, though I have been busy adjusting to my new, yet oddly familiar surroundings and life. ;)

I have lived in three apartments in the past two months of being back and am hoping that the next move will be the last for a while, though one never really knows. I have spent almost those same two months bartending at a restaurant that sometimes treats me well yet sometimes sketchily doesn’t pay enough. I have heard (or read) words from an ex, post emergency surgery. I’ve come back into contact with an old flame that never flourished but seems to continually reappear…for no apparent reason. I’ve had good auditions with no callbacks, and been put on hold for a few projects only to be released a few days later. I’ve seen movies in parks and reconnected with great friends and yet wondered where some of the others have been hiding. The whirlwind, and questions, and emotional rollercoaster are never ending as they are a part of the quest, I know, but it’s still hard to know what to make of it all.

At moments I find it necessary to revitalize myself as I see myself sinking into old habits, then at other times I’m encouraged, and empowered! Watching myself float on air, without a care in the world, “elated to be back!” The thing is expectation is the sweet fruit that will always bite you back in no definite time frame and with no predictable force. That retaliation sneaks up on you and laughs in your face, abruptly reminding you that you can wish, plan, and wait for as long as you’d like but it will ultimately be in vain.

While I was away, I had plenty of time to think, not that THAT much has changed since then. I still have ample spare time (fortunately or unfortunately depending on how you look it) though the location change has made a grave difference. Overseas there was a lack of communication, a lack of personal and private space, and no real sign of a potential future. Here, however, I understand everyone clear as day (for the most part) and am paying for my own space which now adds an overhead charge, and a financial responsibility that not only comes with the territory, so to speak, but also has a way of lingering and looming over one’s head, applying a pressure similar to that of the depths of the Antarctic Sea.      

Once the decision was made to return to The States I had all of the sunrises, and sunsets to plan and envision my new life once I’d landed, but life seldom goes as we plan…for better and for worse. I did find a job that earns me SOME money, and I’ve always found a place to stay…but that job is more in the food and beverage industry and less in the self-help/personal growth/education world I was hoping it’d be in. And “my own place” is far from being my own. There are, ABSOLUTELY, blessings to be counted, I will not deny that, but what does it mean when the things you planned, hoped, and prayed for don’t quite materialize themselves the way you thought they would? When do goals become fantasies – situations imagined by an individual or group, which do not correspond with reality but express certain desires or aims of it’s creator; and when does reality – The state of things as they actually exist, become settling? I don’t want to be stagnant or inactive, but how does one know when what they want is actually realistically, out of reach, or if it IS in reach, just a far reach beyond chutes and ladders and hurdles and obstacles? How do we know when to dream through a state of disparity or to conceit and “fall in line”?

Yes, these may be trying times but I am not defeated! I have not given anything up, and am miraculously still proud of myself for my achievements and perseverance. It’s just the proof that I am human being human, and don’t have the answers…

…Though truth be told it isn’t about answers…its about process. Education!

Happy Journey, friends!

:)

~S

The Shift

I was depressed on Monday. Maybe depressed is too harsh a word. It is, actually, vastly over-utilized, and inappropriately so, so I will rephrase that and say “I was really SAD on Monday.” Could it have been something I saw on Facebook? Could it have been the clips from the Tony Awards I had to watch on Youtube because I was stuck at work and missed them the night before? Could it have been the clips, themselves, that left me feeling so inspired, yet disappointingly unaccomplished? Or could it have been the feeling that I was doing EXACTLY what I had done before The Quest began?

It’s fascinating how being back in a familiar setting can bring back some very familiar, yet unfortunate, behaviors. I felt unloved, uninspired, bored, BORING and like an overall waste of time, energy, and space. I understand that humans are to experience all emotions in order to reach a sense of balance. It makes sense that in order to feel the heights of the highs, one must feel some lows. Knowing this I allowed myself to spend another self-deprecating hour in front of Facebook and Youtube, I allowed myself the ENTIRE self-destructive 14” pepperoni pizza WITH the side of mozzarella sticks, and I allowed myself the 3 final episodes of Hemlock Grove. But before I started on the hungry path I had set out for myself, I decided that if there was “ONE thing to do on a day like today, it was to, at least, write about what I was feeling.” I pulled out my journal, realizing it had been a few days since I’d last touched it (another potential reason for feeling blue???), and I wrote!

I bitched and moaned and flitted from topic to sensation to “And another thing…” to “I’m sorry…I was distracted…God, I can’t focus.” I let that book of pages know EXACTLY what I felt and why, in a series of misspelled words and incomplete vs run-on sentences. Uninhibited, I let it all out and was blown away by how little time it took to release the steam, and return to neutral.

I realized that Energy Recycling is a skill that is to be fine tuned, and well rehearsed in order to be effective! Because you’ve discovered it does not mean you’ve mastered it. It is something that I have been doing for years and I continue to surprise myself with my ability to shift my mood (because the choice IS ultimately ours), and in less time than it took before. I proceeded to eat my pizza and waste away in front of Netflix, but to feel that I was doing it because I WANTED to, excuse and reason free, made it feel like a true day off as oppose to a waste of time. I was taking time for myself (positive) as oppose to wallowing in self-pity (negative). It doesn’t matter what we do (Or what we eat…), what matters is WHY we do it…our Intentions!

“Knowledge and intention are forces. What you intend changes the field in your favor”

-Deepak Chopra

Moral of the story:

A) We are in control of our emotions! Yes, it is wise to feel as many feelings as we can, and genuinely, in order to better understand ourselves, and our society. However, to be stuck in an emotion is to give up your power…to give up your self-control, and your self-love.

“If you don’t like your fate then change it, you are no slave, there are no shackles on you!” 

-Aida

B) Self expression is as imperative as action. If we keep our thoughts and feelings in our minds they start to cycle…to circle and spin off-track into insanity, leaving us paralyzed and stuck in a, normally, poor mental state. Take control, and take care of yourselves! Write, paint, dance, sing, scream, scribble, knit…whatever it may be, whatever form of self expression you may find, find it! Keep it, utilize it, and love it! Let it help you find your way back to center!      

~S

The Homecoming…

…Not a play by Harold Pinter (though it is), this is the story of a boy, who in the midst of frustration and depression left everything he knew on a whim to experience life in a different world, only to come back not just two months later…but two months wiser!

I have officially been back in New York City for a week and 1 day…8 days, and I have not wasted a moment! The day after I landed I was suppose to teach my little 3 and 4 year olds…there was a little confusion and I missed those class…ANYWAY! After that I saw and caught up with some good friends and called that Day 1. The following day, I am proud to say,was the epitome of NY days! I woke up early to get myself on an audition list, only to leave, pseudo-successfully teach the classes I was suppose to teach the previous day, went back to do the audition I’d signed up for and while there met up with a friend. Together we went to another audition, then to watch a staged reading, followed by a quick glass of wine as said friend and I parted ways…she was homeward bound as I was off to meet yet another friend to see yet another show. To teach a combined class of about 20 preschoolers in a park, have 2 auditions, AND see 2 shows?...You don’t get much more New York than that!!!

Since Day 2 I've gone on to see another show, go to another audition, catch up with many friends and even meet a small cluster of new ones. I am currently after my second day of training for my new bartending job and will officially be behind the bar as of Friday night. 

The thing about The City is that it waits for no one. It speeds past rather you’re ready or not. You can get on, or not, it’s that simple! Some may see it as The City “kicking butt and taking names,” but truly…The City ain’t got time for all that! The reason why it never sleeps is because of an incessant drive that lies within all of its inhabitants. The never-ending struggle to be better than the best, to be earlier, to shine brighter, to invent more and be new, to pay homage to the old, to create, to LIVE!

There was a time when I wasn’t ready. I was complacent and I was sad. I went away and saw a different kind of struggle…not easier, not harder, but different. It helped me to see the beauty in the exhaustion that feeds The City. I gave myself a purpose and I gave myself the reasons and I am ready!

The Quest has been exhilarating and it is everything I could’ve asked for! What is it that they say? “Careful what you wish for…?” I am a testament of the universal support that feeds us! I’ve always known it but now it’s been proven, and I can’t wait to share!

The Quest is far from over! Though another chapter has been closed. In front of you, I turn the page to begin the next! I hope you all stay with me through the ups and downs of this next chapter, as I am very excited to share it with you! I couldn’t thank you all enough for your constant energy! You build me up and give me strength! I am grateful for those known and unknown!

Endless Love!

~S

“Alchemy is transformation.

Through alchemy you begin the quest for perfection.

The goals of the quest---heroism, hope, grace, and love---are the inheritance of the timeless.”

-Deepack Chopra, “The Way Of The Wizard”

*I honestly had NO IDEA about this before I named this blog…isn’t that AWESOME? J

   

The Bitter Sweetness con't

It is now 6:30AM in Moscow…wish me luck entertaining myself until my flight leaves in 4 hours. I can barely keep my eyes open but instead of going to sleep, I am talking to you! If nothing else then just to vent about the man sitting next to me on the 4-hour flight I just got off of from Tel Aviv. That man took up a quarter of my already small quarters on this Transaero flight and if you know me then you know that spatial awareness and personal space are both VERY important concepts to me…HE WAS TOO CLOSE!!! Both him and the woman to my right…I didn’t realize Russians were so wide! I normally freeze on flight (Kind of the way I’m freezing at this airport) but this was a sweaty, sweaty flight sandwiched between the man who should’ve purchased two seats instead of one and the woman who dropped her used earplug on me. Come on people!

Then Ole’ Dude had the nerve to go to sleep with that “cute little” eye mask on…wincing, talking, gesturing with his hands and shaking his leg (Of course the one closest to me). I kept thinking “What??? Are you having a nightmare? TAKE THE MASK OFF IF YOU’RE FREAKING OUT! You know my brother use to get in trouble for shaking his leg like that in the car and here you are…A GROWN MAN!”

Bless my soul! If that wasn’t enough, it was time to start our initial descent. Turns out he had taken off his shoes prior to me finding my seat…I was impressed that I didn’t pass away from asphyxiation by an overwhelming fat-man-foot smell, but let me tell you… when it came time to put those bad boys back on, post airplane swell, there was a struggle in row 24. The man had to take 3, COUNT’EM, 3 breaks (yes, I counted), then, when he finally sat back “normally” He was completely winded! I would’ve chuckled had I not been so upset about him invading my personal space for so long!

Now all I see is a gray sky from the large windows of the boring VKO airport. I’m sure you’re all wondering “Stephane, where’s the sweet con’t’ed?” That’s when I say “Maybe if you had a little patience…” Lol! Stam! Just kidding…is it nap time? What? Who? – Ok I’m really done…AnywayS!

The silver lining of this gray sky (not even cloud…full sky) is that I am on my way home, and I cannot explain how EXTREMELY excited I am for my new endeavors and my new NY adventures! It’s the best time of year to be in the city with all of the free art and concerts in parks and outdoor venues, and I’m excited to start my new projects! Stay tuned to learn more about my next role as Stephane Duret: Life Coach! This is going to be great…as soon as I get back! In the meantime I will nap because I almost quoted both When Harry Met Sally AND The Wiz in the same sentence…sleep deprivation? Maybe…

~S

*8 Hours later, it isn’t the NY Summer I was expecting to greet me upon landing but I’m here! Hello America, Hello friends and family, Hello life “con’t” ;) So thrilled to be here…now lets go get me a job!!! ;)

The Bitter-Sweetness

(5/15/13)

It is 4am and I can’t sleep. Maybe it’s the couch, maybe it’s the mosquitoes, or maybe it’s the realization that I want to go home. It has truly been a blessing being here with the love and support I was looking for. I’ve been validated with compliments, immediate work, and many empty promises. But I’m noticing that this is not it for me. Maybe the point of my trip was to feel more like a “somebody,” to feel important. Maybe it was a lesson in collaboration, coexistence, or the fact that no one can be completely 100% independent. Maybe it was to reconnect with my love for the American Musical that I somehow lost track of, or maybe I had to leave my country all together to see what I’d really be missing should I ever choose to leave it behind for good. These are all beautiful and important things to learn but what it boils down to is that there really isn’t much for me here. As an American non-Hebrew speaker in Israel already my options were limited, then to add to the fire that I’d have to bend over backwards for legal papers and documents to do things that I wouldn’t necessarily do on my own accord. My dearest friends are freelancers bouncing from job to job, working events (i.e. Bar/Bat Mitzvahs…i.e. teenage birthday parties) praying that they would’ve worked enough this month so that they could get paid NEXT month, and pay their bills. It’s the same struggle we have in the states except in a smaller pool with less competition at a much lower caliber. My friends are at the top of their game working to build a status quo that does not exist here and I want to make phone call after phone call after visits and stays in government offices to be thrown into that same fire?

I’ve learned that I want to work, and I have realized that I am willing to work to get work. I mentioned in an earlier blog that Action is a necessity and that seems to be the blue ribbon winner of lessons on this trip. I understand this now (as if I didn’t before). It will still be hard to jump through the hoops in the Big Apple, but at least I’ll be jumping hoops for a reason…in a language I speak!

It’s amazing how things come full circle…I’m remembering the sleep I lost when I decided to start The Quest (Note: I seldom loose sleep) and here I am filled with the same anxiety of what’s yet to come. Truthfully, I can stay up until dawn, I can pout, and cry, and be frustrated all I want but this will not give me the answers I want. No matter how many psychics you pay, you can never really know your future. All we can do is try and try again. Have a goal, make a decision, try until you can’t anymore then repeat steps 1-3 either until you’ve found your calling or until the day you leave the physical world. I’ve always had a hard time with this, but now as these thoughts leave my head through my fingers and my eyelids double in weight (no fat jokes!) I will rest my head knowing that I don’t know, and that I won’t know until it’s time. I tried Israel…and now it’s time to try New York again. A scary world for different reasons than many may think…but the goal’s been set, the decision’s been made, and now it’s time to try and try again.

I will start now by trying and trying to get some rest!

To all of you who kept such strong faith in me when I had no idea what I was doing, I love and appreciate you more than words can say!

  To trial and error!

~S

Popsicles and Gummy Sharks

4/29/13

Yesterday was a fantastic day! I had to be up at 8am, the absolute EARLIEST that I’ve had to be awake in the past 2 months. It was a hard, but what a pay-off…I FINALLY HAD SOMETHING TO DO!!! Rehearsal for a TV comedy show that I’ll be dancing in tomorrow! I have to be up at 5:30am for this one in order to get to the station by 7…wish me luck!

I got to rehearsal and was barely alive let alone coherent (not to mention COMPLETELY lost in the foreign language I still don’t speak). We entered the studio and began stretching, as professional dancers tend to instinctively do, when the choreographer walked in, laughed, and assured us that that wouldn’t be necessary. We learned 3 quick easy numbers and ran them a few times each for about 2 hours, then were released. “This is swell!” I told myself, still sleepy yet satisfied with my effort (anymore just would’ve been too much!) It always feels great to get up, and have somewhere to be, but to then be released early? Life is good!

My friends and I took advantage of the free afternoon, grabbed lunch, and vegged out for a minute. This was maybe the hottest day Israel has seen this year, paired with such an early morning we were all in rare form…slightly delusional. Being from Miami, I am use to heat but this heat came with a desert dryness that kept you thirsty. Still with time to spare before my friend had to teach a class he decided to take his girlfriend and I to one of his secret spots in Petach Tikwa (The “Western” suburb I mentioned a few blogs ago, except that it is, in fact, Eastern…The “Western Suburb” of Israel would actually be known as The Mediterranean Sea). It was an amazing Nature Reservation surrounding one of Israel's main water sources. We basked in the shade of a giant tree next to a pond, green with lily pads, and sat like children playing word games, singing, and back-up dancing for each other.

On the verge of dehydration, we decided to leave our little piece of heaven on Earth for some much needed refreshments, and of course, like children with a little allowance money in our pockets we left the corner store with 3 cases of water, 10 popsicles (They were 10 for 10 Shekels!), and a little bag of gummy sharks. We went back to my friend’s house and finished our popsicles while lying on our backs on the refreshingly chilled tile. It was a nostalgic flashback to one of those perfect “first day of summer” days…I can’t really tell if it was a flashback of my own life or of the movie Now And Then...regardless, it was nothing less than marvelous!

Wish you were here!

~S