I was depressed on Monday. Maybe depressed is too harsh a
word. It is, actually, vastly over-utilized, and inappropriately so, so I will
rephrase that and say “I was really SAD on Monday.” Could it have been
something I saw on Facebook? Could it have been the clips from the Tony Awards
I had to watch on Youtube because I was stuck at work and missed them the night
before? Could it have been the clips, themselves, that left me feeling so
inspired, yet disappointingly unaccomplished? Or could it have been the feeling
that I was doing EXACTLY what I had done before The Quest began?
It’s fascinating how being back in a familiar setting can
bring back some very familiar, yet unfortunate, behaviors. I felt unloved,
uninspired, bored, BORING and like an overall waste of time, energy, and space.
I understand that humans are to experience all emotions in order to reach a
sense of balance. It makes sense that in order to feel the heights of the highs,
one must feel some lows. Knowing this I allowed myself to spend another self-deprecating
hour in front of Facebook and Youtube, I allowed myself the ENTIRE
self-destructive 14” pepperoni pizza WITH the side of mozzarella sticks, and I
allowed myself the 3 final episodes of Hemlock Grove. But before I started on the
hungry path I had set out for myself, I decided that if there was “ONE thing to
do on a day like today, it was to, at least, write about what I was feeling.” I
pulled out my journal, realizing it had been a few days since I’d last touched
it (another potential reason for feeling blue???), and I wrote!
I bitched and moaned and flitted from topic to sensation to
“And another thing…” to “I’m sorry…I was distracted…God, I can’t focus.” I let
that book of pages know EXACTLY what I felt and why, in a series of misspelled
words and incomplete vs run-on sentences. Uninhibited, I let it all out and was
blown away by how little time it took to release the steam, and return to
neutral.
I realized that Energy Recycling is a skill that is to be
fine tuned, and well rehearsed in order to be effective! Because you’ve
discovered it does not mean you’ve mastered it. It is something that I have
been doing for years and I continue to surprise myself with my ability to shift
my mood (because the choice IS ultimately ours), and in less time than it took
before. I proceeded to eat my pizza and waste away in front of Netflix, but to
feel that I was doing it because I WANTED to, excuse and reason free, made it
feel like a true day off as oppose to a waste of time. I was taking time for
myself (positive) as oppose to wallowing in self-pity (negative). It doesn’t
matter what we do (Or what we eat…), what matters is WHY we do it…our
Intentions!
“Knowledge and intention are forces. What you intend changes
the field in your favor”
-Deepak Chopra
Moral of the story:
A) We are in control of our emotions! Yes, it is wise to
feel as many feelings as we can, and genuinely, in order to better understand
ourselves, and our society. However, to be stuck in an emotion is to give up
your power…to give up your self-control, and your self-love.
“If you don’t like your fate then change it, you are no
slave, there are no shackles on you!”
-Aida
B) Self expression is as imperative as action. If we keep
our thoughts and feelings in our minds they start to cycle…to circle and spin
off-track into insanity, leaving us paralyzed and stuck in a, normally, poor
mental state. Take control, and take care of yourselves! Write, paint, dance,
sing, scream, scribble, knit…whatever it may be, whatever form of self
expression you may find, find it! Keep it, utilize it, and love it! Let it help
you find your way back to center!
~S
