They say that “the road to hell is paved with good
intentions,” and I am beginning to doubt that…to HIGHLY doubt that.
They also say that “no good deed goes unpunished…(“no act of
charity goes un-resented” –Ok, I’m done!)
Really?
I have been wanting to blog about this new obsession of mine
for a while now but anyone who’s even written from the heart knows that when
the content hits a bit too close to the core it gets difficult to continue, but
here we go…a blog post about Intention.
There are a few themes circling around my head, probably
much too much for one blog post, however, the through line, the common
denominator, the constant variable seems to be intention.
Merriam-Webster defines Intention as 1: a determination to
act in a certain way 2: PURPOSE. Now, the fact that definition #2 is in all
caps I feel is no “over-look” or accident. To me, intention is purpose…the
reason, the impetus, the spark that ignites and illicits change, the cause for
action. Yes, yes, yes, this is the definition of intention, but what’s become a
bit unclear for me (and maybe for many of us) is TRUE intention.
Yup!
This is where my mind starts to reel and spin. I second
guess, I dig deep, I try to figure out what it REALLY is that I’m looking for, and
what is it that I’m trying to gain with the words that I use, or by the actions
I take. The phone calls, and text messages, the seeing friends shows, and the
picking them up from the subway station to walk them to their next job just to
see them for a few blocks. The hours spent on hook-up or dating web sites,
chatting with or being ignored by and for what??? What are my intentions…my
TRUE intentions??? Some days they are clear, and some days they really aren’t
and this is why it’s taken so long to write, and why I am rambling yet again.
I got into a bit of a discussion a little over a month ago
with a friend when I said that the one thing you can’t measure is a person’s
true intention. He told me that not only can you see someone’s “intentions”
through their actions, but also that technology as advanced to the point where
you can literally measure a person’s “intentions.” To which I responded, “You
can measure if someone is telling the truth or not via algorithms and spikes in
physiological responses to certain questions, but you can never measure
someone’s TRUE intention.” I said this because I believe that I can physically
say whatever I’d like rather it be the truth or not. And because I believe
those tests can be manipulated. But I also said it because, honestly, sometimes
I don’t even know what my TRUE intentions are so how can someone else, outside
of me, be so sure???…
There, I said it!
I can barely read my own mind, which must make it impossible
for someone else to know the true reasoning behind my actions.
A simple example: Someone goes to the grocery store. People
go to the grocery store all the time, fine, but why??? Because they need
groceries? Sure… why not. But what if there’s a need to get out of the house?
Be it because they’re being abused and need the escape even if it’s for a mere
half hour. Or they’re going stir crazy, bored and depressed, home alone and
just need a change of scenery. What if there’s a check out clerk who will be
there and they just want to see them? All completely different intentions, all
valid, yet all tied to the same action…and all easily dismissed by saying “What?
I’m just going to the grocery store.”
Now, if we want to get REALLY heady, there’s also the fact
that we are all raised to be social beings, and in order to fit into this social
society we must know and agree with the differences
between “right” and “wrong”…and to choose “right.”
Now, in order to choose and to continually choose “right,”
whatever has been agreed upon as “right” must be justified, and so it is
justified. Rather individually or socially, a justification for an action is
set in place. “I do this to be a good mother,” “I do this to be a good spouse,”
“I do this because it’s ‘right’…” but what happens when we doubt that
justification or when it isn’t enough? What if our intentions become unclear
because we no longer know if they are OUR intentions or the intention’s thrust
upon us by society?
See the confusion?
I will take last night as another example (this is all part
of me clarifying things for myself so please bare with me as I share this
personal example…I’m sure I’m getting somewhere):
It was New Years Eve, I had a fun gig go-go dancing to disco
music at a lovely members only club. It paid some money, was an open bar, and I
was obliged to invite one guest. I invited a friend that I hoped would come
back to my place that night and spend the majority of the following day with me,
a cuddle buddy to help bring in a warm new year. What we did instead was meet
up with his roommate, around 1:45am after the gig, so that they could go home
together. I walked them to their train then walked myself back to my
train…alone.
It took a day or two for that fever to break and for the
swelling to go down, but not because of my friend going home and leaving me
alone, but because of my own lack of truth and clarity. To start, said friend
and I had already spoken of what was to/and not to become of our friendship,
and as a result, because of that conversation I was “too scared” to be honest
about my desires and ultimately my true intentions.
Gosh, as I write I see that there is so much at play
here…it’s overwhelming but the only way to get through any of it is to step
through the facts that we already know, one at a time…So…
Fact 1: Honesty: the only way to be honest with others is to
be honest with ourselves! My friend was clear…I (as many people do) decided to
BELIEVE in what I wanted to be true as opposed to the actual truth. This is
slip #1. In choosing to believe the non-truth, I allowed myself to veer down a
path that would lead me away from my friend and keep me from attaining my
happiness. This, I think we can all agree, is counterproductive.
This brings us back to True Intention: (step 2) I feel we’re
at a point where I can be candid with you, my True Intention was to “Git Sum,”
and I wanted “sum” from my friend. Slip #2: I cleaned my apartment top to
bottom, I bought extra groceries and the fixin’s for morning mimosas, and I
invited my friend to this very exclusive party, all the while telling myself
that “whatever happens, happens and it’s all fine!” and even “What am I doing?
I know ‘better’ than this!” But I continued…NEVER ONCE being honest about my
intentions with my friend. I didn’t ask if he’d be interested in any of what I’d
already spent my time and energy on. This is the horse pill that’s tough to
swallow…I truly set myself up to be let down. I did just about everything I
could to not get what I wanted…down to
wanting something I knew very well was not mine to have!
*Wow, yup, I said
that too*
I’ve realized that the reason why I grapple with
relationship “stuff” is because matters of the emotional heart of others is
probably the thing furthest from my control, but that may be a whole ‘nother
blog post for another day.
THE MORAL of my little anecdote is that we must be as honest
and as clear about our intentions as we can be. We owe it to each other, and
most importantly we owe it to ourselves! We must also be honest enough with
ourselves to take responsibility for our own lack of clarity (this is often
times the hardest part). In this situation, my friend really didn’t do anything
“wrong.” On the contrary, he was very honest and upfront with his feelings and
his intentions. He was invited, and he came. I hope he had a good time, but
alas, he did his part. Now it’s time for me to really reassess what it is I
want, how I intend to find it, then to open myself up to the gifts from this
universe!
(…And I encourage us all to do the same!)
Let us start by really knowing why we are doing what we do.
Depending on your relationship, it may be healthy to share that, but
honestly…as long as your intentions are clear to yourself, you can continue
down the path towards your own happiness!
I think I need a nap…Phew!
~S
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