The True Intention

They say that “the road to hell is paved with good intentions,” and I am beginning to doubt that…to HIGHLY doubt that.

They also say that “no good deed goes unpunished…(“no act of charity goes un-resented” –Ok, I’m done!)

Really?

I have been wanting to blog about this new obsession of mine for a while now but anyone who’s even written from the heart knows that when the content hits a bit too close to the core it gets difficult to continue, but here we go…a blog post about Intention.

There are a few themes circling around my head, probably much too much for one blog post, however, the through line, the common denominator, the constant variable seems to be intention.

Merriam-Webster defines Intention as 1: a determination to act in a certain way 2: PURPOSE. Now, the fact that definition #2 is in all caps I feel is no “over-look” or accident. To me, intention is purpose…the reason, the impetus, the spark that ignites and illicits change, the cause for action. Yes, yes, yes, this is the definition of intention, but what’s become a bit unclear for me (and maybe for many of us) is TRUE intention.

Yup!

This is where my mind starts to reel and spin. I second guess, I dig deep, I try to figure out what it REALLY is that I’m looking for, and what is it that I’m trying to gain with the words that I use, or by the actions I take. The phone calls, and text messages, the seeing friends shows, and the picking them up from the subway station to walk them to their next job just to see them for a few blocks. The hours spent on hook-up or dating web sites, chatting with or being ignored by and for what??? What are my intentions…my TRUE intentions??? Some days they are clear, and some days they really aren’t and this is why it’s taken so long to write, and why I am rambling yet again.

I got into a bit of a discussion a little over a month ago with a friend when I said that the one thing you can’t measure is a person’s true intention. He told me that not only can you see someone’s “intentions” through their actions, but also that technology as advanced to the point where you can literally measure a person’s “intentions.” To which I responded, “You can measure if someone is telling the truth or not via algorithms and spikes in physiological responses to certain questions, but you can never measure someone’s TRUE intention.” I said this because I believe that I can physically say whatever I’d like rather it be the truth or not. And because I believe those tests can be manipulated. But I also said it because, honestly, sometimes I don’t even know what my TRUE intentions are so how can someone else, outside of me, be so sure???…

There, I said it!

I can barely read my own mind, which must make it impossible for someone else to know the true reasoning behind my actions.

A simple example: Someone goes to the grocery store. People go to the grocery store all the time, fine, but why??? Because they need groceries? Sure… why not. But what if there’s a need to get out of the house? Be it because they’re being abused and need the escape even if it’s for a mere half hour. Or they’re going stir crazy, bored and depressed, home alone and just need a change of scenery. What if there’s a check out clerk who will be there and they just want to see them? All completely different intentions, all valid, yet all tied to the same action…and all easily dismissed by saying “What? I’m just going to the grocery store.”  

Now, if we want to get REALLY heady, there’s also the fact that we are all raised to be social beings, and in order to fit into this social society we must know and agree with the differences between “right” and “wrong”…and to choose “right.”

Now, in order to choose and to continually choose “right,” whatever has been agreed upon as “right” must be justified, and so it is justified. Rather individually or socially, a justification for an action is set in place. “I do this to be a good mother,” “I do this to be a good spouse,” “I do this because it’s ‘right’…” but what happens when we doubt that justification or when it isn’t enough? What if our intentions become unclear because we no longer know if they are OUR intentions or the intention’s thrust upon us by society?

See the confusion?

I will take last night as another example (this is all part of me clarifying things for myself so please bare with me as I share this personal example…I’m sure I’m getting somewhere):

It was New Years Eve, I had a fun gig go-go dancing to disco music at a lovely members only club. It paid some money, was an open bar, and I was obliged to invite one guest. I invited a friend that I hoped would come back to my place that night and spend the majority of the following day with me, a cuddle buddy to help bring in a warm new year. What we did instead was meet up with his roommate, around 1:45am after the gig, so that they could go home together. I walked them to their train then walked myself back to my train…alone.

It took a day or two for that fever to break and for the swelling to go down, but not because of my friend going home and leaving me alone, but because of my own lack of truth and clarity. To start, said friend and I had already spoken of what was to/and not to become of our friendship, and as a result, because of that conversation I was “too scared” to be honest about my desires and ultimately my true intentions.

Gosh, as I write I see that there is so much at play here…it’s overwhelming but the only way to get through any of it is to step through the facts that we already know, one at a time…So…

Fact 1: Honesty: the only way to be honest with others is to be honest with ourselves! My friend was clear…I (as many people do) decided to BELIEVE in what I wanted to be true as opposed to the actual truth. This is slip #1. In choosing to believe the non-truth, I allowed myself to veer down a path that would lead me away from my friend and keep me from attaining my happiness. This, I think we can all agree, is counterproductive.

This brings us back to True Intention: (step 2) I feel we’re at a point where I can be candid with you, my True Intention was to “Git Sum,” and I wanted “sum” from my friend. Slip #2: I cleaned my apartment top to bottom, I bought extra groceries and the fixin’s for morning mimosas, and I invited my friend to this very exclusive party, all the while telling myself that “whatever happens, happens and it’s all fine!” and even “What am I doing? I know ‘better’ than this!” But I continued…NEVER ONCE being honest about my intentions with my friend. I didn’t ask if he’d be interested in any of what I’d already spent my time and energy on. This is the horse pill that’s tough to swallow…I truly set myself up to be let down. I did just about everything I could to not get what I wanted…down to wanting something I knew very well was not mine to have!

*Wow, yup, I said that too*

I’ve realized that the reason why I grapple with relationship “stuff” is because matters of the emotional heart of others is probably the thing furthest from my control, but that may be a whole ‘nother blog post for another day.        

THE MORAL of my little anecdote is that we must be as honest and as clear about our intentions as we can be. We owe it to each other, and most importantly we owe it to ourselves! We must also be honest enough with ourselves to take responsibility for our own lack of clarity (this is often times the hardest part). In this situation, my friend really didn’t do anything “wrong.” On the contrary, he was very honest and upfront with his feelings and his intentions. He was invited, and he came. I hope he had a good time, but alas, he did his part. Now it’s time for me to really reassess what it is I want, how I intend to find it, then to open myself up to the gifts from this universe!

(…And I encourage us all to do the same!)

Let us start by really knowing why we are doing what we do. Depending on your relationship, it may be healthy to share that, but honestly…as long as your intentions are clear to yourself, you can continue down the path towards your own happiness!

I think I need a nap…Phew!

~S

The Day Love

Sitting home with my coffee, in silence. The sounds of a few birds and construction vehicles pour in through the windows with the warm light and chilled air. It is fall in New York (Jersey) City, and as the leaves start to turn and die, love starts to flourish and strive. This perspective is fascinating because at first glance I am far from this love…”This Love.” However, I am filled with love and void of grievance! Sure, the occasional cuddled movie night and cold morning warmed by hot bodies will be missed, but what I will not miss is the fact that I love. From the way I say “Bye Ma”, out loud, to my mother’s voicemails, to the way I lost my breath and missed a step when I heard my brother had an “episode” onboard an aircraft before lift off. From the terrifying way I should be reading a script right now, and how I have no idea what’s about to happen but I’m so thrilled, so proud, so excited and scared and can’t wait. From the tears that accumulated but were suppressed on the train while reading about a certain little boy who is “emerging out of autism.” And from, what I will call, “The Day Love” that I’ve just had.

The Day Love can be a fling, or a romance however short or long; physical, intellectual or emotional. They come and they go, and you hope to stay in touch, and maybe you do, but ultimately they are elsewhere…and they are gifts! This particular Day Love has traveled “from far and wide” only to land at L’Express on 20^th and Park for a late night steak and a glass of wine. This Day Love, though probably ignorant to the fact, has become an inspiration. A muse. A reason to try, to write, to work, to love…This Day Love, in no time at all, through purity and honesty and truth has reminded me that there is love. Somewhere and around, the possibilities are still there for love, and furthermore that I Love.

A Gift

I use these words to remind you that there is love…and that I am not the only one who IS Love…YOU are also love! If a romantic relationship is what you seek, I hope you find what you are looking for. Romantic love can be so sweet, however it’s sweetness is not to bitter the senses to a Motherly Love, or a Compassionate Love. A Love for plants, and pets, and antique doorknobs or the color Cerulean. The love of fulfilling career-shifting work, or the Love Of Self! We are all Love. A collective sharing of love…Be a Gift!

~S

The Re-Affirmation

Yesterday on my hike trough Waitsfield, Vermont I took a turn off the paved road and felt a breeze greet my next step. I asked the wind where I should go next in life, to take me to where I should be. It was as if the leaves responded “What’s wrong with where you are?”

Translation: Live In The Moment! Embrace it! Instead of obsessing over where you’ve been and where you “should” go, take a look at where you are! Appreciate it. And know that when the time comes for you to be in the next place, then there you will be! Continually in the moment, wherever you are! 

That, and take a walk every now and again…you might learn things about yourself! ;)

~S

The Responsibility

   I am currently in a beautiful part of the country, playing a fantastic role, in a gorgeous show! It is fair to say that I have had worse moments and lower points in my life! Things are going well…however, human nature will always reign and life will continually throw the curveballs that we are left (responsible for) to do our damndest to catch (or dodge depending on the game).

   A show or performance, much like any other profession, involves collaboration. We as a species rely on collaboration (sometimes much to my chagrin but hey, I never said I was perfect!). Actors not only have their lines and their personal work to do but they also have directors and stage managers, co-stars or scene partners, sometimes music directors and choreographers to collaborate with. It is a world that consists of smaller parts that come together to form a performance for an audience, which can be seen as the final piece of the puzzle. This isn’t an equation created for the sole purpose of theatrical endeavors; this is the way it is in the work force…any work force. Farmers need land, crops or livestock, and exporters; writers need editors and publishers; executives need assistants, staff, accountants; and they all need consumers. Librarians have employers, and students have teachers. It is all a part of the cosmic give and take…this cycle of life. Best put by one of my favorite Haitian artists, Beethova Obas:

“nou chak nou gon misyon

nan sak chwazi bay plon

fok gen sak pou pren plon”

“We all have a mission

With those who choose to give lead

There must be those to take lead”

   As I spoke to my lovely mother today, I was reminded that though “the more” does sometimes mean “the merrier,” what also happens is that responsibility gets divied-up and shared among the population which now makes it easier to point fingers when things may falter and/or go “not-so-much-as-planned.” When collaborating as we all do on a daily basis, and responsibilities are so thinly dispersed due to shear volume, it can sometimes lead to confusion and a lack of clarity, questions as to who is responsible for what. This is where the hierarchy, food chain, or pecking order comes into play, and job descriptions are developed. There are stipulations spelled out in an agreement between an employer and an employee. This is normally where the employer says, “this is what I need from you,” and the employee says (theoretically), “well, this is what I’ll do it for.” And the contract is signed. It is now your job to do your job, and it is their job to do theirs.

Fair!

   As a manager it would be my RESPONSIBILITY to know what needs to be done, then to delegate the responsibilities to a “subordinate” (Gosh, I despise that word!). As a teacher it is my RESPONSIBILITY to have a sturdy understanding of my chosen subject, deem what is important, and communicate (teach) that to my pupils. As an actor it is my RESPONSIBILITY to know where I am supposed to go, what I’m suppose to say or sing, what I’m supposed to be wearing and what I’m supposed to be holding at any given point during a show. It is also my responsibility to listen and respond to what my scene partner has given me and still stay as close to the script, direction, and choreography as possible…there are seemingly a lot of responsibilities on any actor at anytime, however, fret not, it isn’t brain-surgery or cancer research! ;)

   But what can sometimes be forgotten is that there is also the opposite, the reverse or “the flip-side” if you will, of all this responsibility business. I call it the “Not My Responsibility” (deep…I know). In all the things that I AM responsible for, there are also the things that I am NOT responsible for…like the hem in my pants, what the percussionist is playing at any given moment during the show, NOR my scene partners entrances, costume changes, or lines. It is sometimes difficult to relinquish some of these responsibilities because we are all “striving for excellence” as a fellow actor once stated in a rehearsal that was not his responsibility (or his right) to call. We all want to be a part of a success and deliver a powerful lasting result, however, taking responsibility for something that is not yours is actually a bit presumptuous and quite frankly stingy. It is the mark of The Ego hard at work to take control and ownership of any situation. Of struggling for superiority yet will ultimately leaving you flat on your face in an omelette. (Does that compute??? “Flat on your face” and “egg on your face” mixed into one? Yea? maybe?...Anyway!)

    When the Ego spends so much time outside of itself and worrying about other people’s responsibilities it doesn’t realize that the first thing it neglects is it’s own. When we allow our Ego to fully immerse in what others are doing, rather “supposed” to be doing or “not supposed” to be doing, we run the risk of losing focus and ultimately not doing our own jobs. Then what happens is we slip up, falter, make a mistake much like humans do and there is no one left to blame but ourselves. Except now that the Ego is out and defenses are up what do we do? We deflect and maybe literally point a finger at someone else.

   It is important to be clear and honest about our responsibilities. It isn’t wrong to say “that is not my responsibility” when it isn’t. On the contrary, it gives someone else the opportunity to step up and take the responsibility, maybe be the hero. Or it can illuminate a glitch in the responsibility assignments and gives the opportunity to reassess, ultimately leaving the situation efficiently and effectively resolved. If something does go wrong and it is your responsibility, than how empowering to maturely accept it without blame or judgment, and make the difference the next time the same responsibility comes back around? We are none of us saints, or without flaws. We are humans who sometimes make mistakes be it inconvenient or not. I challenge us to clearly define our responsibilities and follow up by doing our jobs! Taking ownership of what is ours, and relinquishing what isn’t while supporting one another the whole way through.

…And if someone is pointing a blaming finger at you for something that is not your responsibility than support yourself and know that you’ve done all you could. This is also a beautiful exercise in compassion. If someone is so quick to point to you, then the chances are that they aren’t secure enough to take on their own responsibilities and that is something to be aided…not scrutinized! When we feel unjustly judged or blamed it can sometimes not have anything to do with us, and it is yet another opportunity to be a better person!

Let’s remember to support each other and ourselves!

~S

The Egg Basket

6/20/14

Could it be better to put all of ones eggs in one basket??? Then, at least, a choice has been made. The sooner we know something doesn’t work, the sooner we can move on…

It’s been said that one shouldn’t put all of one’s eggs in one basket, however, what happens when there are too many baskets? It is also said that the detriment of our generation lies in our abundance of options, leaving us with remorseful purchases, a career lacking luster, and minute relationships that seem to fizzle for no apparent reason. Is it the fast pace of New York City? Could it be that more options = better choices? Or does it have to do with Generation X, Y, Z, or W/E’s inability to commit to ANYTHING out of fear…of commitment?

“There’s gotta be something better than this” isn’t just the mantra of 3 dancehall hostesses, down on their luck in the musical Sweet Charity…it has now become the slogan of a people that “aren’t quite sure” so they’re “keeping their options open,” and can’t seem to be satisfied by anything because they are continuously in search of “the next best thing.” In a world where we can change our cell phones several times a year, a world where the computers we were taught on have evolved and the TVs we used to know are now obsolete. It is an ever changing (and rapidly so) world that we live it, which is “cute” but what does that mean to us? To our well-being? To the way we view and appreciate life???

It is good to want, to stay driven, to move forward…but at what cost? Not to settle for less, but to smell flowers, count blessings, appreciate where we are and what we have. I feel that this could lead to happier people treating others better, and heck, who knows, maybe 2^nd OKcupid dates. Lets not to cower away from making decisions or giving chances. THIS keeps us stagnant or moving in unclear directions…make a choice, follow through, COMMIT, and if it doesn’t work the way you’d like, then lucky you, you get an opportunity to make another choice, so long as you’ve given it a fair shot!

Let’s remember that in a world of marvelously endless possibilities, the first step must be made before the 3^rd, 4^th, or 5^th and when we get to step #5…let’s not forget how impressive it is that we’ve experienced and made it past 1-4.

The little wins in life are wins none the less!

~S

The Recuperation

May 2, 2014

  

     Well, here I am…better late than never, no? When I got back from the international leg of The Quest I swore this wouldn’t happen…the laps between posts. And I believe I’ve even said this very thing before, but so much time has passed how could I even know? Though The Quest is tireless and treks on, documented or not, the human tends to have it’s short-comings. Of course, there isn’t anyone to blame my neglect on but myself, however, I choose to play just about any game that isn’t the blame game, sooo…J I acknowledge my deficit in, and of, words and instead of judging (as I may have been doing), I am deciding to use this to unveil my next discover…the importance of recuperation.

     R&R (which I’ve just recently realized stands for Rest and Relaxation…one of those things I think I knew but forgot I knew…you know?), I am learning, is more than just lazy time to unwind, but, in fact, imperative to well being. To physical, mental, emotional, and over-all all-around health! It is a NECESSITY that we tend to sweep under the rug in fear of being unproductive. I keep thinking it’s an American epidemic, but considering the vast impact we have on the world I am almost positive that the “over-worked-and-under-paid-ed-ness” has spread trans-oceandically! (I hope you liked that last sentence because it’s A LOT of “creativity,” and flowery, made-up words…I’m baaaack! ;)) It all falls under the umbrella of the American Dream, (wo)man works hard to provide, (wo)man works hard to succeed, (wo)man works hard for stability and material possession, and “happiness.” Note: (wo)man tirelessly slaves from cradle to grave never once realizing that material possessions don’t cross the pearly gates with you, and that that happiness isn’t so much happiness as it is exhaustion with a minor materialistic pay-off!

     We are trained and raised to work under the (sometimes) false pretense that “the harder you work the more you get,” easily forgetting that “good work is often rewarded with more work.” We slave and never take a moment to smell the flowers, notice the light through the tree leaves, fully grasp the phenomena of the weather, or the changing of the seasons…we almost forget to breathe. And yes, noticing those things are grand and (to me) make life worth living, but what we fail to realize is that those moments of calm are crucial to our development, our healing, and ultimately our lives…

May 9, 14

     Yes…I got wrapped up in work and the desperate attempt to secure more work and neglected the EXACT message I was trying to convey…funny how things work. Goes to show, IT TAKES PRACTICE to be the person you want to be!!!

     ANWAY, what I was saying is that it is important to work. “These bills don’t pay themselves” I find myself saying often, however our kidneys, liver, and pancreas also need the time and rest to do what they were developed to do. So I implore us all (yes, I’m included in (and am victim to) this self-enslavement), to take as many moments as we can to shut down. Let the brain unconsciously focus on healing and regeneration as opposed to the array of lists that cloud our minds of ALL the things to do and their respective due dates. Close your eyes, Breathe, Feel the warm sun or the sensation of a cold breeze on your skin…take a few minutes to simply BE and notice how much more effective you can be once you’ve given yourself the opportunity to recuperate!

     And now it is time for me to post, shower, and shave after my (unbathed) day of recuperation! Aahhh, the pay-offs are pouring in…Me Happy! J

‘Till the next time…

~S

A Word to the Inappropriate

Dear couple in the second row of tonight’s show,

    

     I would like to take the liberty of speaking on behalf of my peers in thanking you for your support, however we, with as little malice as possible, respectfully wish to never see you again!

     Words of praise, words of support, GREAT, important, necessary words…except in the midst of a performance. A notable distraction not only to your neighbors and fellow ticket purchasers, but also to the performers on stage and to the crew members running and calling the show. If only it’d stopped with audible expressions of enjoyment things would’ve been manageable, but to then take personal offense when asked to refrain from disrupting the show, only to blow the roof off the building by yelling obscenities at the innocent company member…sorry, FAMILY member trying to keep the peace?!? This is where the line must be carved much deeper than drawn!

     At first it was appreciated, though inappropriate. Then word came down through the cracks that there was a near physical altercation between audience members due to  the unscripted banter from so far down stage, it was audience. Then for a man, doing more than his job and placing himself in harms way for the duration of the show, only to be verbally assaulted post curtain call? And to be truthful, it was more than verbal abuse it was more like hate crimed. Words NEVER to be uttered to another human being, let alone to one who is only trying to diffuse conflict! This is beyond unacceptable.

To the offenders: I forgive you! I forgive you, but I implore you to please open your minds and open your considerations beyond your own selves. Put yourself in someone else’s shoes and feel disrupted, feel distracted. Hopefully this will help you to make better choices in the future. As for your hate, to publicly disgrace someone and personally attack them for their sexual orientation, meanwhile being FAR from relevant, is simply unjust! I wish you peace in whatever part of you that lives in that hate, insecurity, and injustice. I wish you the clarity to see that though you may have been rattling words out of anger or ignorance, that your words still have weight and have not only impacted another individual, but have deeply effected and hurt someone tonight. In turn poisoning the entire house and hurting everyone involved in the very production you “appreciated” so much you couldn’t keep you mouth shut. Feel free to inflict however much pain onto yourself if it feels necessary, but please spare the lives, hearts, and sensibilities of others. For you, Consideration is key, the next piece in your puzzle!

To the offended: I am sorry that you have had to endure the difficulties of such injustice, however I wish for you the clarity to see that you are as responsible for someone else’s words as I am, in other words FAR from responsible! Others will project what they will onto you, but when looked at through clearer eyes it can be seen as a gift from the universe. Another opportunity to be the best, strongest YOU you can be! An opportunity to take the “high road” and be a better person (Not THE better person, A better person)! The secure YOU that can choose it’s response. You will not be held accountable for others’ actions! When considered, tonight’s events really had little to nothing to do with you! Let ignorant words fall where they may, and try not to look at said words as gospel. You know your truth, and only you can live your truth! What anyone outside of you has to say is irrelevant! Remember that you can be strength if you choose to be!

This post does not come easily. It has been revised several times over to eliminate the judgment on “the offenders,” and the judgment on myself for “not jumping to action” or “not speaking out when I had the chance.” Had it been my universal responsibility to pull that couple aside and give them a piece of my mind, then it would’ve happened, but there are rules in place, and fine lines between ”this effects us all” and “it’s none of our business.” I say this to demonstrate my humanity. We are all far from perfect, however in the face of injustice I wish you and myself more responsibility. I give US the power to communicate our true feelings, and fight injustice, ESPECIALLY in the name of integrity! That being said, feel pain when you hurt, and be mean if you must…be self-observant! Try to notice where things are coming from, and where they effect you, from there make the conscious decision to be the best human you can be. If we can all commit to this, then already this world is a better place!

To love; For it is the only thing to save us.

And

To Words; to their importance and proper use!

~S    

The Renaissance

1/9/2014

It is the night of my first preview for HARD TIMES: AN AMERICAN MUSICAL (take 2) and to be honest, I am 23 clouds above 9!

It has been a little while since my last post, which, for those of you following may have noticed (…5 months and 25 days to be exact) and to say that my life has been a bit “in flux” for the past year would be a bit of an understatement. I have flown continents and shifted my way around the city that shows no mercy. I’ve spent holidays abroad with friends and strangers, and I’ve celebrated at home with the family I’ve missed, reconnected with friends I hadn’t seen in 10 years. I have been down, up, down, right, East, up, down, back, slightly left of center and it has all brought me right, back to this moment. The moment where inspiration is at 10 and my feet seem to be on some semblance of stable-ish ground…AT THE SAME TIME!

Passion: A glorious gift. To find it, to have it, taste it, live it, be it…REMEMBER it. There is no affirmation more powerful in the world than the re-introduction of a passion that dwindled, lost in the abyss that is the living of life. To reconnect with The Reason, with Le raison d’etre, with the love to, from, and for Life…there isn’t anything like it!

I have always known (or at least for a little while now) that my home was on the stage. And having been off the stage for the entirety of the year 2013 made this year one of the most complicated yet enlightening years of my short existence. As unfortunate as it may have felt at times, I knew that it’d be beyond worth the wait. Now, as I look at this seamless and brilliant transition back into the world I’d spent so much time missing, I am living to say that my patience has been well paid off.

I have spent this past year on such a desperate combing of the Earth (quite literally) for a sensation. For THE sensation that has no words of explanation. In search of a purpose, for fulfillment, for life! I know that LIFE surrounds us day in, and day out, but that feeling for which there are no words, comes in spouts and pockets of pure true love. THAT is what I was looking for. Then, to be changing out of my costume below the stage I’d just performed on, slightly nauseous from exhaustion, relief, fulfillment and/or maybe a little too much coffee, then to hear the band still playing, then the stomping sounds of the audience. Up, out of their seats and moved enough to take the stage I’d just left to dance a “reel” or a “horn pipe” in elation…that’s when it hits you…that rush. THAT feeling! The same feeling from when your parents thanked you for washing the dishes without having to be asked, the feeling you got when you caught air on your bicycle for the first time without training wheels right before you joyfully fell in accomplishment. That feeling where you know you did “right” and there is nothing left to say.

God, Alah, Jah, The Universe, Mother Nature, "It That Shall Remain Named" or "Name-less" has blessed me tonight with WAY more than a great show, but also with a RIDICULOUSLY talented and generously caring cast, and a supportive creative team. It has blessed me with the breathe of life, the sensation of living, The Reason. I feel like I will be eternally indebted to this moment, and it will be a debt I pay off with gusto (or not pay-off at all but enjoy the debt of)!

Needless to say, the show went well and I feel better than good! :)

Moral of the story:

Find your passion! Start that process by opening yourself to it. If you’ve found it but need a break, than take one. If you can’t find it, or if you’ve lost it somehow I ask you to stay open. It seems crazy, but once the work has been done, and the passion “put out there,” there comes a time where the roles reverse and your passion will find you as long as you remain open to it!

With a heart filled with love...

~S

Fantasy vs. Reality

 Wow…it’s been a while, huh?

Know that the intent was never to “stop writing upon arrival”…as the quest is an uphill climb that never ends. I have no excuses or apologies, though I have been busy adjusting to my new, yet oddly familiar surroundings and life. ;)

I have lived in three apartments in the past two months of being back and am hoping that the next move will be the last for a while, though one never really knows. I have spent almost those same two months bartending at a restaurant that sometimes treats me well yet sometimes sketchily doesn’t pay enough. I have heard (or read) words from an ex, post emergency surgery. I’ve come back into contact with an old flame that never flourished but seems to continually reappear…for no apparent reason. I’ve had good auditions with no callbacks, and been put on hold for a few projects only to be released a few days later. I’ve seen movies in parks and reconnected with great friends and yet wondered where some of the others have been hiding. The whirlwind, and questions, and emotional rollercoaster are never ending as they are a part of the quest, I know, but it’s still hard to know what to make of it all.

At moments I find it necessary to revitalize myself as I see myself sinking into old habits, then at other times I’m encouraged, and empowered! Watching myself float on air, without a care in the world, “elated to be back!” The thing is expectation is the sweet fruit that will always bite you back in no definite time frame and with no predictable force. That retaliation sneaks up on you and laughs in your face, abruptly reminding you that you can wish, plan, and wait for as long as you’d like but it will ultimately be in vain.

While I was away, I had plenty of time to think, not that THAT much has changed since then. I still have ample spare time (fortunately or unfortunately depending on how you look it) though the location change has made a grave difference. Overseas there was a lack of communication, a lack of personal and private space, and no real sign of a potential future. Here, however, I understand everyone clear as day (for the most part) and am paying for my own space which now adds an overhead charge, and a financial responsibility that not only comes with the territory, so to speak, but also has a way of lingering and looming over one’s head, applying a pressure similar to that of the depths of the Antarctic Sea.      

Once the decision was made to return to The States I had all of the sunrises, and sunsets to plan and envision my new life once I’d landed, but life seldom goes as we plan…for better and for worse. I did find a job that earns me SOME money, and I’ve always found a place to stay…but that job is more in the food and beverage industry and less in the self-help/personal growth/education world I was hoping it’d be in. And “my own place” is far from being my own. There are, ABSOLUTELY, blessings to be counted, I will not deny that, but what does it mean when the things you planned, hoped, and prayed for don’t quite materialize themselves the way you thought they would? When do goals become fantasies – situations imagined by an individual or group, which do not correspond with reality but express certain desires or aims of it’s creator; and when does reality – The state of things as they actually exist, become settling? I don’t want to be stagnant or inactive, but how does one know when what they want is actually realistically, out of reach, or if it IS in reach, just a far reach beyond chutes and ladders and hurdles and obstacles? How do we know when to dream through a state of disparity or to conceit and “fall in line”?

Yes, these may be trying times but I am not defeated! I have not given anything up, and am miraculously still proud of myself for my achievements and perseverance. It’s just the proof that I am human being human, and don’t have the answers…

…Though truth be told it isn’t about answers…its about process. Education!

Happy Journey, friends!

:)

~S

The Shift

I was depressed on Monday. Maybe depressed is too harsh a word. It is, actually, vastly over-utilized, and inappropriately so, so I will rephrase that and say “I was really SAD on Monday.” Could it have been something I saw on Facebook? Could it have been the clips from the Tony Awards I had to watch on Youtube because I was stuck at work and missed them the night before? Could it have been the clips, themselves, that left me feeling so inspired, yet disappointingly unaccomplished? Or could it have been the feeling that I was doing EXACTLY what I had done before The Quest began?

It’s fascinating how being back in a familiar setting can bring back some very familiar, yet unfortunate, behaviors. I felt unloved, uninspired, bored, BORING and like an overall waste of time, energy, and space. I understand that humans are to experience all emotions in order to reach a sense of balance. It makes sense that in order to feel the heights of the highs, one must feel some lows. Knowing this I allowed myself to spend another self-deprecating hour in front of Facebook and Youtube, I allowed myself the ENTIRE self-destructive 14” pepperoni pizza WITH the side of mozzarella sticks, and I allowed myself the 3 final episodes of Hemlock Grove. But before I started on the hungry path I had set out for myself, I decided that if there was “ONE thing to do on a day like today, it was to, at least, write about what I was feeling.” I pulled out my journal, realizing it had been a few days since I’d last touched it (another potential reason for feeling blue???), and I wrote!

I bitched and moaned and flitted from topic to sensation to “And another thing…” to “I’m sorry…I was distracted…God, I can’t focus.” I let that book of pages know EXACTLY what I felt and why, in a series of misspelled words and incomplete vs run-on sentences. Uninhibited, I let it all out and was blown away by how little time it took to release the steam, and return to neutral.

I realized that Energy Recycling is a skill that is to be fine tuned, and well rehearsed in order to be effective! Because you’ve discovered it does not mean you’ve mastered it. It is something that I have been doing for years and I continue to surprise myself with my ability to shift my mood (because the choice IS ultimately ours), and in less time than it took before. I proceeded to eat my pizza and waste away in front of Netflix, but to feel that I was doing it because I WANTED to, excuse and reason free, made it feel like a true day off as oppose to a waste of time. I was taking time for myself (positive) as oppose to wallowing in self-pity (negative). It doesn’t matter what we do (Or what we eat…), what matters is WHY we do it…our Intentions!

“Knowledge and intention are forces. What you intend changes the field in your favor”

-Deepak Chopra

Moral of the story:

A) We are in control of our emotions! Yes, it is wise to feel as many feelings as we can, and genuinely, in order to better understand ourselves, and our society. However, to be stuck in an emotion is to give up your power…to give up your self-control, and your self-love.

“If you don’t like your fate then change it, you are no slave, there are no shackles on you!” 

-Aida

B) Self expression is as imperative as action. If we keep our thoughts and feelings in our minds they start to cycle…to circle and spin off-track into insanity, leaving us paralyzed and stuck in a, normally, poor mental state. Take control, and take care of yourselves! Write, paint, dance, sing, scream, scribble, knit…whatever it may be, whatever form of self expression you may find, find it! Keep it, utilize it, and love it! Let it help you find your way back to center!      

~S

The Homecoming…

…Not a play by Harold Pinter (though it is), this is the story of a boy, who in the midst of frustration and depression left everything he knew on a whim to experience life in a different world, only to come back not just two months later…but two months wiser!

I have officially been back in New York City for a week and 1 day…8 days, and I have not wasted a moment! The day after I landed I was suppose to teach my little 3 and 4 year olds…there was a little confusion and I missed those class…ANYWAY! After that I saw and caught up with some good friends and called that Day 1. The following day, I am proud to say,was the epitome of NY days! I woke up early to get myself on an audition list, only to leave, pseudo-successfully teach the classes I was suppose to teach the previous day, went back to do the audition I’d signed up for and while there met up with a friend. Together we went to another audition, then to watch a staged reading, followed by a quick glass of wine as said friend and I parted ways…she was homeward bound as I was off to meet yet another friend to see yet another show. To teach a combined class of about 20 preschoolers in a park, have 2 auditions, AND see 2 shows?...You don’t get much more New York than that!!!

Since Day 2 I've gone on to see another show, go to another audition, catch up with many friends and even meet a small cluster of new ones. I am currently after my second day of training for my new bartending job and will officially be behind the bar as of Friday night. 

The thing about The City is that it waits for no one. It speeds past rather you’re ready or not. You can get on, or not, it’s that simple! Some may see it as The City “kicking butt and taking names,” but truly…The City ain’t got time for all that! The reason why it never sleeps is because of an incessant drive that lies within all of its inhabitants. The never-ending struggle to be better than the best, to be earlier, to shine brighter, to invent more and be new, to pay homage to the old, to create, to LIVE!

There was a time when I wasn’t ready. I was complacent and I was sad. I went away and saw a different kind of struggle…not easier, not harder, but different. It helped me to see the beauty in the exhaustion that feeds The City. I gave myself a purpose and I gave myself the reasons and I am ready!

The Quest has been exhilarating and it is everything I could’ve asked for! What is it that they say? “Careful what you wish for…?” I am a testament of the universal support that feeds us! I’ve always known it but now it’s been proven, and I can’t wait to share!

The Quest is far from over! Though another chapter has been closed. In front of you, I turn the page to begin the next! I hope you all stay with me through the ups and downs of this next chapter, as I am very excited to share it with you! I couldn’t thank you all enough for your constant energy! You build me up and give me strength! I am grateful for those known and unknown!

Endless Love!

~S

“Alchemy is transformation.

Through alchemy you begin the quest for perfection.

The goals of the quest---heroism, hope, grace, and love---are the inheritance of the timeless.”

-Deepack Chopra, “The Way Of The Wizard”

*I honestly had NO IDEA about this before I named this blog…isn’t that AWESOME? J

   

The Bitter Sweetness con't

It is now 6:30AM in Moscow…wish me luck entertaining myself until my flight leaves in 4 hours. I can barely keep my eyes open but instead of going to sleep, I am talking to you! If nothing else then just to vent about the man sitting next to me on the 4-hour flight I just got off of from Tel Aviv. That man took up a quarter of my already small quarters on this Transaero flight and if you know me then you know that spatial awareness and personal space are both VERY important concepts to me…HE WAS TOO CLOSE!!! Both him and the woman to my right…I didn’t realize Russians were so wide! I normally freeze on flight (Kind of the way I’m freezing at this airport) but this was a sweaty, sweaty flight sandwiched between the man who should’ve purchased two seats instead of one and the woman who dropped her used earplug on me. Come on people!

Then Ole’ Dude had the nerve to go to sleep with that “cute little” eye mask on…wincing, talking, gesturing with his hands and shaking his leg (Of course the one closest to me). I kept thinking “What??? Are you having a nightmare? TAKE THE MASK OFF IF YOU’RE FREAKING OUT! You know my brother use to get in trouble for shaking his leg like that in the car and here you are…A GROWN MAN!”

Bless my soul! If that wasn’t enough, it was time to start our initial descent. Turns out he had taken off his shoes prior to me finding my seat…I was impressed that I didn’t pass away from asphyxiation by an overwhelming fat-man-foot smell, but let me tell you… when it came time to put those bad boys back on, post airplane swell, there was a struggle in row 24. The man had to take 3, COUNT’EM, 3 breaks (yes, I counted), then, when he finally sat back “normally” He was completely winded! I would’ve chuckled had I not been so upset about him invading my personal space for so long!

Now all I see is a gray sky from the large windows of the boring VKO airport. I’m sure you’re all wondering “Stephane, where’s the sweet con’t’ed?” That’s when I say “Maybe if you had a little patience…” Lol! Stam! Just kidding…is it nap time? What? Who? – Ok I’m really done…AnywayS!

The silver lining of this gray sky (not even cloud…full sky) is that I am on my way home, and I cannot explain how EXTREMELY excited I am for my new endeavors and my new NY adventures! It’s the best time of year to be in the city with all of the free art and concerts in parks and outdoor venues, and I’m excited to start my new projects! Stay tuned to learn more about my next role as Stephane Duret: Life Coach! This is going to be great…as soon as I get back! In the meantime I will nap because I almost quoted both When Harry Met Sally AND The Wiz in the same sentence…sleep deprivation? Maybe…

~S

*8 Hours later, it isn’t the NY Summer I was expecting to greet me upon landing but I’m here! Hello America, Hello friends and family, Hello life “con’t” ;) So thrilled to be here…now lets go get me a job!!! ;)

The Bitter-Sweetness

(5/15/13)

It is 4am and I can’t sleep. Maybe it’s the couch, maybe it’s the mosquitoes, or maybe it’s the realization that I want to go home. It has truly been a blessing being here with the love and support I was looking for. I’ve been validated with compliments, immediate work, and many empty promises. But I’m noticing that this is not it for me. Maybe the point of my trip was to feel more like a “somebody,” to feel important. Maybe it was a lesson in collaboration, coexistence, or the fact that no one can be completely 100% independent. Maybe it was to reconnect with my love for the American Musical that I somehow lost track of, or maybe I had to leave my country all together to see what I’d really be missing should I ever choose to leave it behind for good. These are all beautiful and important things to learn but what it boils down to is that there really isn’t much for me here. As an American non-Hebrew speaker in Israel already my options were limited, then to add to the fire that I’d have to bend over backwards for legal papers and documents to do things that I wouldn’t necessarily do on my own accord. My dearest friends are freelancers bouncing from job to job, working events (i.e. Bar/Bat Mitzvahs…i.e. teenage birthday parties) praying that they would’ve worked enough this month so that they could get paid NEXT month, and pay their bills. It’s the same struggle we have in the states except in a smaller pool with less competition at a much lower caliber. My friends are at the top of their game working to build a status quo that does not exist here and I want to make phone call after phone call after visits and stays in government offices to be thrown into that same fire?

I’ve learned that I want to work, and I have realized that I am willing to work to get work. I mentioned in an earlier blog that Action is a necessity and that seems to be the blue ribbon winner of lessons on this trip. I understand this now (as if I didn’t before). It will still be hard to jump through the hoops in the Big Apple, but at least I’ll be jumping hoops for a reason…in a language I speak!

It’s amazing how things come full circle…I’m remembering the sleep I lost when I decided to start The Quest (Note: I seldom loose sleep) and here I am filled with the same anxiety of what’s yet to come. Truthfully, I can stay up until dawn, I can pout, and cry, and be frustrated all I want but this will not give me the answers I want. No matter how many psychics you pay, you can never really know your future. All we can do is try and try again. Have a goal, make a decision, try until you can’t anymore then repeat steps 1-3 either until you’ve found your calling or until the day you leave the physical world. I’ve always had a hard time with this, but now as these thoughts leave my head through my fingers and my eyelids double in weight (no fat jokes!) I will rest my head knowing that I don’t know, and that I won’t know until it’s time. I tried Israel…and now it’s time to try New York again. A scary world for different reasons than many may think…but the goal’s been set, the decision’s been made, and now it’s time to try and try again.

I will start now by trying and trying to get some rest!

To all of you who kept such strong faith in me when I had no idea what I was doing, I love and appreciate you more than words can say!

  To trial and error!

~S

Popsicles and Gummy Sharks

4/29/13

Yesterday was a fantastic day! I had to be up at 8am, the absolute EARLIEST that I’ve had to be awake in the past 2 months. It was a hard, but what a pay-off…I FINALLY HAD SOMETHING TO DO!!! Rehearsal for a TV comedy show that I’ll be dancing in tomorrow! I have to be up at 5:30am for this one in order to get to the station by 7…wish me luck!

I got to rehearsal and was barely alive let alone coherent (not to mention COMPLETELY lost in the foreign language I still don’t speak). We entered the studio and began stretching, as professional dancers tend to instinctively do, when the choreographer walked in, laughed, and assured us that that wouldn’t be necessary. We learned 3 quick easy numbers and ran them a few times each for about 2 hours, then were released. “This is swell!” I told myself, still sleepy yet satisfied with my effort (anymore just would’ve been too much!) It always feels great to get up, and have somewhere to be, but to then be released early? Life is good!

My friends and I took advantage of the free afternoon, grabbed lunch, and vegged out for a minute. This was maybe the hottest day Israel has seen this year, paired with such an early morning we were all in rare form…slightly delusional. Being from Miami, I am use to heat but this heat came with a desert dryness that kept you thirsty. Still with time to spare before my friend had to teach a class he decided to take his girlfriend and I to one of his secret spots in Petach Tikwa (The “Western” suburb I mentioned a few blogs ago, except that it is, in fact, Eastern…The “Western Suburb” of Israel would actually be known as The Mediterranean Sea). It was an amazing Nature Reservation surrounding one of Israel's main water sources. We basked in the shade of a giant tree next to a pond, green with lily pads, and sat like children playing word games, singing, and back-up dancing for each other.

On the verge of dehydration, we decided to leave our little piece of heaven on Earth for some much needed refreshments, and of course, like children with a little allowance money in our pockets we left the corner store with 3 cases of water, 10 popsicles (They were 10 for 10 Shekels!), and a little bag of gummy sharks. We went back to my friend’s house and finished our popsicles while lying on our backs on the refreshingly chilled tile. It was a nostalgic flashback to one of those perfect “first day of summer” days…I can’t really tell if it was a flashback of my own life or of the movie Now And Then...regardless, it was nothing less than marvelous!

Wish you were here!

~S       

The Culmination of a Month

Today, April 20th, marks the completion of my first month in the international leg of The Quest. There have been many conversations about Art; from the joys of, the enrichments, and the vast difficulties. Talks of religion, tradition, the meta-physical and quantum physics. There have been days of enlightenment and fulfillment along with the most confusing and uninspired days of frustration. It’s been a whirlwind of emotions and such is life. As humans and constant learners and students of life, this is what it is, and what it will be until our last breaths. I am blessed…WE are blessed. The trick now is to manifest that blessing into something tangible. I wish us all luck on the journeys we can never turn away from as they ARE life!

Month 1 Lessons (or reminders):

*Patience is an absolute virtue

- We can’t expect everything to happen overnight. In fact, *expectations of any kind are often detrimental.

- Once we’ve put ourselves “out there,” then we’ve got to patiently listen and be keen on the reception, there is where the next step will be found. 

*Action is the most important key to success

- We have got to put ourselves out there in order to be received. Humility is useless when your voice isn’t heard.

- How can we get anywhere when we’ve got so much to offer but never offer it?

*A solid support group of friends is IMPERATIVE

- A lot of important realizations come from conversation. If you aren’t conversing then you are stagnant…still water doesn’t flow!

- The more like-minded and supportive people you can keep around, the better you can understand the needs of that world, and provide. Leaving you with a clearer purpose (Note: a clearER purpose isn’t necessarily CLEAR).

- Then there’s the fact that we can’t always pick ourselves up off the ground, sometimes we need to be helped to our knees before we can stand on our own again. (did that sound dirty? :P )

+And if for nothing else, then for a place to rest our heads…a very special Thank You to all of my Homes here in Israel. You are all more generous than I could have imagined! But really…you are LIFE savers!!!

And the final lesson:

*LOVE is and always will be right

- It is the fuel that energizes us to be, to try, to work, to learn, to share, to provide, to help, to grow, to live!

-Whatever comes from a place of Love will be “right” (and I don’t even like that word!)   

Stay turned for scenes from the next chapter! ;)