The Egg Basket

6/20/14

Could it be better to put all of ones eggs in one basket??? Then, at least, a choice has been made. The sooner we know something doesn’t work, the sooner we can move on…

It’s been said that one shouldn’t put all of one’s eggs in one basket, however, what happens when there are too many baskets? It is also said that the detriment of our generation lies in our abundance of options, leaving us with remorseful purchases, a career lacking luster, and minute relationships that seem to fizzle for no apparent reason. Is it the fast pace of New York City? Could it be that more options = better choices? Or does it have to do with Generation X, Y, Z, or W/E’s inability to commit to ANYTHING out of fear…of commitment?

“There’s gotta be something better than this” isn’t just the mantra of 3 dancehall hostesses, down on their luck in the musical Sweet Charity…it has now become the slogan of a people that “aren’t quite sure” so they’re “keeping their options open,” and can’t seem to be satisfied by anything because they are continuously in search of “the next best thing.” In a world where we can change our cell phones several times a year, a world where the computers we were taught on have evolved and the TVs we used to know are now obsolete. It is an ever changing (and rapidly so) world that we live it, which is “cute” but what does that mean to us? To our well-being? To the way we view and appreciate life???

It is good to want, to stay driven, to move forward…but at what cost? Not to settle for less, but to smell flowers, count blessings, appreciate where we are and what we have. I feel that this could lead to happier people treating others better, and heck, who knows, maybe 2^nd OKcupid dates. Lets not to cower away from making decisions or giving chances. THIS keeps us stagnant or moving in unclear directions…make a choice, follow through, COMMIT, and if it doesn’t work the way you’d like, then lucky you, you get an opportunity to make another choice, so long as you’ve given it a fair shot!

Let’s remember that in a world of marvelously endless possibilities, the first step must be made before the 3^rd, 4^th, or 5^th and when we get to step #5…let’s not forget how impressive it is that we’ve experienced and made it past 1-4.

The little wins in life are wins none the less!

~S

The Recuperation

May 2, 2014

  

     Well, here I am…better late than never, no? When I got back from the international leg of The Quest I swore this wouldn’t happen…the laps between posts. And I believe I’ve even said this very thing before, but so much time has passed how could I even know? Though The Quest is tireless and treks on, documented or not, the human tends to have it’s short-comings. Of course, there isn’t anyone to blame my neglect on but myself, however, I choose to play just about any game that isn’t the blame game, sooo…J I acknowledge my deficit in, and of, words and instead of judging (as I may have been doing), I am deciding to use this to unveil my next discover…the importance of recuperation.

     R&R (which I’ve just recently realized stands for Rest and Relaxation…one of those things I think I knew but forgot I knew…you know?), I am learning, is more than just lazy time to unwind, but, in fact, imperative to well being. To physical, mental, emotional, and over-all all-around health! It is a NECESSITY that we tend to sweep under the rug in fear of being unproductive. I keep thinking it’s an American epidemic, but considering the vast impact we have on the world I am almost positive that the “over-worked-and-under-paid-ed-ness” has spread trans-oceandically! (I hope you liked that last sentence because it’s A LOT of “creativity,” and flowery, made-up words…I’m baaaack! ;)) It all falls under the umbrella of the American Dream, (wo)man works hard to provide, (wo)man works hard to succeed, (wo)man works hard for stability and material possession, and “happiness.” Note: (wo)man tirelessly slaves from cradle to grave never once realizing that material possessions don’t cross the pearly gates with you, and that that happiness isn’t so much happiness as it is exhaustion with a minor materialistic pay-off!

     We are trained and raised to work under the (sometimes) false pretense that “the harder you work the more you get,” easily forgetting that “good work is often rewarded with more work.” We slave and never take a moment to smell the flowers, notice the light through the tree leaves, fully grasp the phenomena of the weather, or the changing of the seasons…we almost forget to breathe. And yes, noticing those things are grand and (to me) make life worth living, but what we fail to realize is that those moments of calm are crucial to our development, our healing, and ultimately our lives…

May 9, 14

     Yes…I got wrapped up in work and the desperate attempt to secure more work and neglected the EXACT message I was trying to convey…funny how things work. Goes to show, IT TAKES PRACTICE to be the person you want to be!!!

     ANWAY, what I was saying is that it is important to work. “These bills don’t pay themselves” I find myself saying often, however our kidneys, liver, and pancreas also need the time and rest to do what they were developed to do. So I implore us all (yes, I’m included in (and am victim to) this self-enslavement), to take as many moments as we can to shut down. Let the brain unconsciously focus on healing and regeneration as opposed to the array of lists that cloud our minds of ALL the things to do and their respective due dates. Close your eyes, Breathe, Feel the warm sun or the sensation of a cold breeze on your skin…take a few minutes to simply BE and notice how much more effective you can be once you’ve given yourself the opportunity to recuperate!

     And now it is time for me to post, shower, and shave after my (unbathed) day of recuperation! Aahhh, the pay-offs are pouring in…Me Happy! J

‘Till the next time…

~S

A Word to the Inappropriate

Dear couple in the second row of tonight’s show,

    

     I would like to take the liberty of speaking on behalf of my peers in thanking you for your support, however we, with as little malice as possible, respectfully wish to never see you again!

     Words of praise, words of support, GREAT, important, necessary words…except in the midst of a performance. A notable distraction not only to your neighbors and fellow ticket purchasers, but also to the performers on stage and to the crew members running and calling the show. If only it’d stopped with audible expressions of enjoyment things would’ve been manageable, but to then take personal offense when asked to refrain from disrupting the show, only to blow the roof off the building by yelling obscenities at the innocent company member…sorry, FAMILY member trying to keep the peace?!? This is where the line must be carved much deeper than drawn!

     At first it was appreciated, though inappropriate. Then word came down through the cracks that there was a near physical altercation between audience members due to  the unscripted banter from so far down stage, it was audience. Then for a man, doing more than his job and placing himself in harms way for the duration of the show, only to be verbally assaulted post curtain call? And to be truthful, it was more than verbal abuse it was more like hate crimed. Words NEVER to be uttered to another human being, let alone to one who is only trying to diffuse conflict! This is beyond unacceptable.

To the offenders: I forgive you! I forgive you, but I implore you to please open your minds and open your considerations beyond your own selves. Put yourself in someone else’s shoes and feel disrupted, feel distracted. Hopefully this will help you to make better choices in the future. As for your hate, to publicly disgrace someone and personally attack them for their sexual orientation, meanwhile being FAR from relevant, is simply unjust! I wish you peace in whatever part of you that lives in that hate, insecurity, and injustice. I wish you the clarity to see that though you may have been rattling words out of anger or ignorance, that your words still have weight and have not only impacted another individual, but have deeply effected and hurt someone tonight. In turn poisoning the entire house and hurting everyone involved in the very production you “appreciated” so much you couldn’t keep you mouth shut. Feel free to inflict however much pain onto yourself if it feels necessary, but please spare the lives, hearts, and sensibilities of others. For you, Consideration is key, the next piece in your puzzle!

To the offended: I am sorry that you have had to endure the difficulties of such injustice, however I wish for you the clarity to see that you are as responsible for someone else’s words as I am, in other words FAR from responsible! Others will project what they will onto you, but when looked at through clearer eyes it can be seen as a gift from the universe. Another opportunity to be the best, strongest YOU you can be! An opportunity to take the “high road” and be a better person (Not THE better person, A better person)! The secure YOU that can choose it’s response. You will not be held accountable for others’ actions! When considered, tonight’s events really had little to nothing to do with you! Let ignorant words fall where they may, and try not to look at said words as gospel. You know your truth, and only you can live your truth! What anyone outside of you has to say is irrelevant! Remember that you can be strength if you choose to be!

This post does not come easily. It has been revised several times over to eliminate the judgment on “the offenders,” and the judgment on myself for “not jumping to action” or “not speaking out when I had the chance.” Had it been my universal responsibility to pull that couple aside and give them a piece of my mind, then it would’ve happened, but there are rules in place, and fine lines between ”this effects us all” and “it’s none of our business.” I say this to demonstrate my humanity. We are all far from perfect, however in the face of injustice I wish you and myself more responsibility. I give US the power to communicate our true feelings, and fight injustice, ESPECIALLY in the name of integrity! That being said, feel pain when you hurt, and be mean if you must…be self-observant! Try to notice where things are coming from, and where they effect you, from there make the conscious decision to be the best human you can be. If we can all commit to this, then already this world is a better place!

To love; For it is the only thing to save us.

And

To Words; to their importance and proper use!

~S    

The Renaissance

1/9/2014

It is the night of my first preview for HARD TIMES: AN AMERICAN MUSICAL (take 2) and to be honest, I am 23 clouds above 9!

It has been a little while since my last post, which, for those of you following may have noticed (…5 months and 25 days to be exact) and to say that my life has been a bit “in flux” for the past year would be a bit of an understatement. I have flown continents and shifted my way around the city that shows no mercy. I’ve spent holidays abroad with friends and strangers, and I’ve celebrated at home with the family I’ve missed, reconnected with friends I hadn’t seen in 10 years. I have been down, up, down, right, East, up, down, back, slightly left of center and it has all brought me right, back to this moment. The moment where inspiration is at 10 and my feet seem to be on some semblance of stable-ish ground…AT THE SAME TIME!

Passion: A glorious gift. To find it, to have it, taste it, live it, be it…REMEMBER it. There is no affirmation more powerful in the world than the re-introduction of a passion that dwindled, lost in the abyss that is the living of life. To reconnect with The Reason, with Le raison d’etre, with the love to, from, and for Life…there isn’t anything like it!

I have always known (or at least for a little while now) that my home was on the stage. And having been off the stage for the entirety of the year 2013 made this year one of the most complicated yet enlightening years of my short existence. As unfortunate as it may have felt at times, I knew that it’d be beyond worth the wait. Now, as I look at this seamless and brilliant transition back into the world I’d spent so much time missing, I am living to say that my patience has been well paid off.

I have spent this past year on such a desperate combing of the Earth (quite literally) for a sensation. For THE sensation that has no words of explanation. In search of a purpose, for fulfillment, for life! I know that LIFE surrounds us day in, and day out, but that feeling for which there are no words, comes in spouts and pockets of pure true love. THAT is what I was looking for. Then, to be changing out of my costume below the stage I’d just performed on, slightly nauseous from exhaustion, relief, fulfillment and/or maybe a little too much coffee, then to hear the band still playing, then the stomping sounds of the audience. Up, out of their seats and moved enough to take the stage I’d just left to dance a “reel” or a “horn pipe” in elation…that’s when it hits you…that rush. THAT feeling! The same feeling from when your parents thanked you for washing the dishes without having to be asked, the feeling you got when you caught air on your bicycle for the first time without training wheels right before you joyfully fell in accomplishment. That feeling where you know you did “right” and there is nothing left to say.

God, Alah, Jah, The Universe, Mother Nature, "It That Shall Remain Named" or "Name-less" has blessed me tonight with WAY more than a great show, but also with a RIDICULOUSLY talented and generously caring cast, and a supportive creative team. It has blessed me with the breathe of life, the sensation of living, The Reason. I feel like I will be eternally indebted to this moment, and it will be a debt I pay off with gusto (or not pay-off at all but enjoy the debt of)!

Needless to say, the show went well and I feel better than good! :)

Moral of the story:

Find your passion! Start that process by opening yourself to it. If you’ve found it but need a break, than take one. If you can’t find it, or if you’ve lost it somehow I ask you to stay open. It seems crazy, but once the work has been done, and the passion “put out there,” there comes a time where the roles reverse and your passion will find you as long as you remain open to it!

With a heart filled with love...

~S

Fantasy vs. Reality

 Wow…it’s been a while, huh?

Know that the intent was never to “stop writing upon arrival”…as the quest is an uphill climb that never ends. I have no excuses or apologies, though I have been busy adjusting to my new, yet oddly familiar surroundings and life. ;)

I have lived in three apartments in the past two months of being back and am hoping that the next move will be the last for a while, though one never really knows. I have spent almost those same two months bartending at a restaurant that sometimes treats me well yet sometimes sketchily doesn’t pay enough. I have heard (or read) words from an ex, post emergency surgery. I’ve come back into contact with an old flame that never flourished but seems to continually reappear…for no apparent reason. I’ve had good auditions with no callbacks, and been put on hold for a few projects only to be released a few days later. I’ve seen movies in parks and reconnected with great friends and yet wondered where some of the others have been hiding. The whirlwind, and questions, and emotional rollercoaster are never ending as they are a part of the quest, I know, but it’s still hard to know what to make of it all.

At moments I find it necessary to revitalize myself as I see myself sinking into old habits, then at other times I’m encouraged, and empowered! Watching myself float on air, without a care in the world, “elated to be back!” The thing is expectation is the sweet fruit that will always bite you back in no definite time frame and with no predictable force. That retaliation sneaks up on you and laughs in your face, abruptly reminding you that you can wish, plan, and wait for as long as you’d like but it will ultimately be in vain.

While I was away, I had plenty of time to think, not that THAT much has changed since then. I still have ample spare time (fortunately or unfortunately depending on how you look it) though the location change has made a grave difference. Overseas there was a lack of communication, a lack of personal and private space, and no real sign of a potential future. Here, however, I understand everyone clear as day (for the most part) and am paying for my own space which now adds an overhead charge, and a financial responsibility that not only comes with the territory, so to speak, but also has a way of lingering and looming over one’s head, applying a pressure similar to that of the depths of the Antarctic Sea.      

Once the decision was made to return to The States I had all of the sunrises, and sunsets to plan and envision my new life once I’d landed, but life seldom goes as we plan…for better and for worse. I did find a job that earns me SOME money, and I’ve always found a place to stay…but that job is more in the food and beverage industry and less in the self-help/personal growth/education world I was hoping it’d be in. And “my own place” is far from being my own. There are, ABSOLUTELY, blessings to be counted, I will not deny that, but what does it mean when the things you planned, hoped, and prayed for don’t quite materialize themselves the way you thought they would? When do goals become fantasies – situations imagined by an individual or group, which do not correspond with reality but express certain desires or aims of it’s creator; and when does reality – The state of things as they actually exist, become settling? I don’t want to be stagnant or inactive, but how does one know when what they want is actually realistically, out of reach, or if it IS in reach, just a far reach beyond chutes and ladders and hurdles and obstacles? How do we know when to dream through a state of disparity or to conceit and “fall in line”?

Yes, these may be trying times but I am not defeated! I have not given anything up, and am miraculously still proud of myself for my achievements and perseverance. It’s just the proof that I am human being human, and don’t have the answers…

…Though truth be told it isn’t about answers…its about process. Education!

Happy Journey, friends!

:)

~S

The Shift

I was depressed on Monday. Maybe depressed is too harsh a word. It is, actually, vastly over-utilized, and inappropriately so, so I will rephrase that and say “I was really SAD on Monday.” Could it have been something I saw on Facebook? Could it have been the clips from the Tony Awards I had to watch on Youtube because I was stuck at work and missed them the night before? Could it have been the clips, themselves, that left me feeling so inspired, yet disappointingly unaccomplished? Or could it have been the feeling that I was doing EXACTLY what I had done before The Quest began?

It’s fascinating how being back in a familiar setting can bring back some very familiar, yet unfortunate, behaviors. I felt unloved, uninspired, bored, BORING and like an overall waste of time, energy, and space. I understand that humans are to experience all emotions in order to reach a sense of balance. It makes sense that in order to feel the heights of the highs, one must feel some lows. Knowing this I allowed myself to spend another self-deprecating hour in front of Facebook and Youtube, I allowed myself the ENTIRE self-destructive 14” pepperoni pizza WITH the side of mozzarella sticks, and I allowed myself the 3 final episodes of Hemlock Grove. But before I started on the hungry path I had set out for myself, I decided that if there was “ONE thing to do on a day like today, it was to, at least, write about what I was feeling.” I pulled out my journal, realizing it had been a few days since I’d last touched it (another potential reason for feeling blue???), and I wrote!

I bitched and moaned and flitted from topic to sensation to “And another thing…” to “I’m sorry…I was distracted…God, I can’t focus.” I let that book of pages know EXACTLY what I felt and why, in a series of misspelled words and incomplete vs run-on sentences. Uninhibited, I let it all out and was blown away by how little time it took to release the steam, and return to neutral.

I realized that Energy Recycling is a skill that is to be fine tuned, and well rehearsed in order to be effective! Because you’ve discovered it does not mean you’ve mastered it. It is something that I have been doing for years and I continue to surprise myself with my ability to shift my mood (because the choice IS ultimately ours), and in less time than it took before. I proceeded to eat my pizza and waste away in front of Netflix, but to feel that I was doing it because I WANTED to, excuse and reason free, made it feel like a true day off as oppose to a waste of time. I was taking time for myself (positive) as oppose to wallowing in self-pity (negative). It doesn’t matter what we do (Or what we eat…), what matters is WHY we do it…our Intentions!

“Knowledge and intention are forces. What you intend changes the field in your favor”

-Deepak Chopra

Moral of the story:

A) We are in control of our emotions! Yes, it is wise to feel as many feelings as we can, and genuinely, in order to better understand ourselves, and our society. However, to be stuck in an emotion is to give up your power…to give up your self-control, and your self-love.

“If you don’t like your fate then change it, you are no slave, there are no shackles on you!” 

-Aida

B) Self expression is as imperative as action. If we keep our thoughts and feelings in our minds they start to cycle…to circle and spin off-track into insanity, leaving us paralyzed and stuck in a, normally, poor mental state. Take control, and take care of yourselves! Write, paint, dance, sing, scream, scribble, knit…whatever it may be, whatever form of self expression you may find, find it! Keep it, utilize it, and love it! Let it help you find your way back to center!      

~S

The Homecoming…

…Not a play by Harold Pinter (though it is), this is the story of a boy, who in the midst of frustration and depression left everything he knew on a whim to experience life in a different world, only to come back not just two months later…but two months wiser!

I have officially been back in New York City for a week and 1 day…8 days, and I have not wasted a moment! The day after I landed I was suppose to teach my little 3 and 4 year olds…there was a little confusion and I missed those class…ANYWAY! After that I saw and caught up with some good friends and called that Day 1. The following day, I am proud to say,was the epitome of NY days! I woke up early to get myself on an audition list, only to leave, pseudo-successfully teach the classes I was suppose to teach the previous day, went back to do the audition I’d signed up for and while there met up with a friend. Together we went to another audition, then to watch a staged reading, followed by a quick glass of wine as said friend and I parted ways…she was homeward bound as I was off to meet yet another friend to see yet another show. To teach a combined class of about 20 preschoolers in a park, have 2 auditions, AND see 2 shows?...You don’t get much more New York than that!!!

Since Day 2 I've gone on to see another show, go to another audition, catch up with many friends and even meet a small cluster of new ones. I am currently after my second day of training for my new bartending job and will officially be behind the bar as of Friday night. 

The thing about The City is that it waits for no one. It speeds past rather you’re ready or not. You can get on, or not, it’s that simple! Some may see it as The City “kicking butt and taking names,” but truly…The City ain’t got time for all that! The reason why it never sleeps is because of an incessant drive that lies within all of its inhabitants. The never-ending struggle to be better than the best, to be earlier, to shine brighter, to invent more and be new, to pay homage to the old, to create, to LIVE!

There was a time when I wasn’t ready. I was complacent and I was sad. I went away and saw a different kind of struggle…not easier, not harder, but different. It helped me to see the beauty in the exhaustion that feeds The City. I gave myself a purpose and I gave myself the reasons and I am ready!

The Quest has been exhilarating and it is everything I could’ve asked for! What is it that they say? “Careful what you wish for…?” I am a testament of the universal support that feeds us! I’ve always known it but now it’s been proven, and I can’t wait to share!

The Quest is far from over! Though another chapter has been closed. In front of you, I turn the page to begin the next! I hope you all stay with me through the ups and downs of this next chapter, as I am very excited to share it with you! I couldn’t thank you all enough for your constant energy! You build me up and give me strength! I am grateful for those known and unknown!

Endless Love!

~S

“Alchemy is transformation.

Through alchemy you begin the quest for perfection.

The goals of the quest---heroism, hope, grace, and love---are the inheritance of the timeless.”

-Deepack Chopra, “The Way Of The Wizard”

*I honestly had NO IDEA about this before I named this blog…isn’t that AWESOME? J