The Culmination of a Month

Today, April 20th, marks the completion of my first month in the international leg of The Quest. There have been many conversations about Art; from the joys of, the enrichments, and the vast difficulties. Talks of religion, tradition, the meta-physical and quantum physics. There have been days of enlightenment and fulfillment along with the most confusing and uninspired days of frustration. It’s been a whirlwind of emotions and such is life. As humans and constant learners and students of life, this is what it is, and what it will be until our last breaths. I am blessed…WE are blessed. The trick now is to manifest that blessing into something tangible. I wish us all luck on the journeys we can never turn away from as they ARE life!

Month 1 Lessons (or reminders):

*Patience is an absolute virtue

- We can’t expect everything to happen overnight. In fact, *expectations of any kind are often detrimental.

- Once we’ve put ourselves “out there,” then we’ve got to patiently listen and be keen on the reception, there is where the next step will be found. 

*Action is the most important key to success

- We have got to put ourselves out there in order to be received. Humility is useless when your voice isn’t heard.

- How can we get anywhere when we’ve got so much to offer but never offer it?

*A solid support group of friends is IMPERATIVE

- A lot of important realizations come from conversation. If you aren’t conversing then you are stagnant…still water doesn’t flow!

- The more like-minded and supportive people you can keep around, the better you can understand the needs of that world, and provide. Leaving you with a clearer purpose (Note: a clearER purpose isn’t necessarily CLEAR).

- Then there’s the fact that we can’t always pick ourselves up off the ground, sometimes we need to be helped to our knees before we can stand on our own again. (did that sound dirty? :P )

+And if for nothing else, then for a place to rest our heads…a very special Thank You to all of my Homes here in Israel. You are all more generous than I could have imagined! But really…you are LIFE savers!!!

And the final lesson:

*LOVE is and always will be right

- It is the fuel that energizes us to be, to try, to work, to learn, to share, to provide, to help, to grow, to live!

-Whatever comes from a place of Love will be “right” (and I don’t even like that word!)   

Stay turned for scenes from the next chapter! ;) 

The Awakening

So I’ve been in Israel about 22 days now and things are…fine! J It’s crazy to think I’ve been here almost a month…seems like the time is racing past and I still have so much that I want to do. Two week ago was the week of Pesach (Passover) and thank god we can eat bread again. I am grateful and so blessed to have had the time to spend such amazing traditional holidays, with such tremendous people, but The Quest must continue. Our physical states may have holidays, but our spirits do not, and now it is time to play catch-up.

The point of this blog is not to gripe about my “inaction” for the past month, but to talk about an amazing conversation I had with an amazingly wise man, a guru, if you will. I spent 4 days with a good friend and his family in a Western Israeli suburb. My friend’s father is what they call “A Religious” here in Israel. A religious man who keeps kosher, wears a kippah and a “tallit katan” (a poncho-like garment with a hole for the head and knotted fringe hanging from 4 corners) everyday, with a long beard and fantastic white curly hair coming only from the sides of his head. On this night, the last night of Pesach, after our Hag (holiday) dinner, we sat around the table conversing and he explained to me the reasons why he turned his life back to religion.

 “It is sometimes hard to know how to be a good person, but when there is a God and a Holy Book…a guide to follow, it makes life much easier to live”

As a non-religious person I first thought to myself “COP-OUT!” Keeping this exclamation to myself, of course. But then the comment was made that “all religions are the same.” I leaned in, having believed this for some time now. Be it God, Jah, Ala, or any of the many gods any religions praise at any given time, these figures are spirits. Energies, not in human form, rather created or discovered to guide us to live by the Golden Rule…theoretically. This belief or faith in a higher power is imperative to the survival of many people in a world where humans seem to be left to their own devices. It can be a very confusing and seemingly purposeless world without something, or someone to believe in, so religions were created, and are still observed and followed today.

The conversation started with an analysis of romantic relationships, with an emphasis on coping with disagreements and hardships. “When you are A Religious, it isn’t just the two of you in the relationship…there is also God,” my friend’s father explained. He went on to tell me that now, there’s not only a disrespect for the institution of marriage, but there is also a great deal of ego in today’s society…apparently this is an international problem. The Ego says, “I’m right and you’re wrong…I’m leaving!” When, in fact, “right and wrong” is completely ineffective, where a proper, mature adult response would be to find a solution through compromise or a widening of communication to better understand any situation.

According to my friend’s father, True Love cannot happen until after marriage. Once you take those vows, and make that promise to be there for each other before the eyes of God, you now have an obligation…and not just to yourselves, but also to God. And with this obligation (especially with one being solely based on blind faith) it is much easier to Make It Work. To excuse the Ego of it’s futile duties and to be open and more “user friendly” with the partner YOU have chosen.    

The conversation didn’t end there. It broadened to the responsibilities that we also have to ourselves. Again, in a generation with a large lack of respect, including for oneself, it is very easy to be “a slave or a prisoner” to the world around us. The pressures and over-stimulations of today that make us feel that we MUST run faster and jump higher to break even. “I heard we have to dance AND sing AND act AND play a musical instrument…They don’t call it Performing Arts for nothin’…” Yes, I did just quote FAME: The Movie. My friend’s father gets encouragement from God to take time, slow down and listen to his heart. He has created a comfortable, quiet space inside of himself for God to come in and give him the answers he needs, and the peace he asks for in every prayer, 3x a day. I believe that it is imperative for all of us to create such a space inside of ourselves. It doesn’t necessarily need to be for God, but if that’s what get’s you to a place of ease with minimal stress then do it! It seems to have been working very well for my friend’s father and his wife. For me, having ME in that space is all I need to want to be an overachiever of Good, it’s finding the time to nourish my inner self that can get a little difficult, but getting back on that fallen bike is much easier to do when you see the effectiveness in the glimmer of a wise man’s eye!

The Awakening has begun!!!

History

It's amazing how there are no mistakes in life! Nothing is by accident, and the "wrong choice" isn't ever an option. Everything that IS is actually more than just IS but is actually BEAUTIFUL!
Make sense?
The past 2.5/3 weeks have been my longest time spent at home since my junior year of college, and to be honest, I was afraid. What would I do? Would I be bored? Would I feel stifled, or lazy, uninspired, or overall counterproductive???
I ate a lot...A LOT, and I was a touch on the lazier side, but the rest was well deserved considering the amusement park that was my first year and a half in New York City. I was sort of inspired, and exhausted. I was thrilled to be in the center of it all yet couldn't wait to get away. I was having a hard time finding my niche, my avenue, my place, my purpose. I wondered with a furrowed brow and a large question mark above my head. Thus began the quest! I ended my life as I knew it in NYC and bought a one-way ticket to Tel Aviv, Israel, but not without a pitstop to the original stomping grounds. The bit of earth that nurtured me into the confused and lost person you read about right now...Never would I change a second!

While here in Miami...In the room that I spent my high school years in. The bed that I went to sleep in every night and woke up in every morning, the desk that I sent my first IM from, the bathroom that I cried in when I heard Aaliyah had died...this is what I call home. My historical landmark, the vatican of my life. This very room, this space that was mine was where I felt ever feeling and emotion under the sun and known to man, this was the epicenter of my life and I'm not back in it for nothing.

Being here with the things I knew, and reminiscing with the music that I'd heard here, in this space, for the first time, magically transported me back to the mental states I was in 10+ years ago. The songs that I fell in love with and the loves that I dedicated them to. The art that I started to learn about and the passion and dedication it brought out of me. The fantasies that brought me such hope for the future and such disdain from the rejection that would regularly follow until I'd get over it and continue to the next. The dance of the adolescent and the pre/mid-pubescent.  

I often find myself pondering about the past. Wondering if I was sad because I decided to be sad, or if there were actual external factors that kept me feeling negative, insecure, inadequate,  and the list goes on. Was it the slow jams that were filled with so much emotions that I couldn't help but internalize? Was it "kool" and artsy to be a martyr? Was it the people that I fell in love with but who didn't love me back? The people that I wanted to be? Was it real love or just infatuations or just a need for validation? Where did ALL of these feelings come from, and why did I FEEL them so strongly???

What I've discovered here is that the question "why" is irrelevant. Those feeling where there...they WERE. And now they ARE. And what they ARE is BEAUTIFUL! The love that I felt then may not have the same definition that I give it today but back then it WAS love. What made me feel, and why it made me feel no longer matters...what matters are the lessons that those sensations taught (and continue to teach) me and that, my friends, is invaluable. The lessons that make you feel like you're alive, the lessons, that teach you about yourself, and about others, those around you. The lessons that keep you questioning and redefining words like worth, inspiration, passion, and most importantly Love!

I was here, I felt, I left, and I have now come back to remember all of my loves and all of my passions, and now, with all of this, I continue my quest outside of the country!!!

I continue living!!!

I give thanks to this room, to this space. To my parents and the rest of my family for growing but still being the family that I've always known. And to my past, for every sensation, every lesson that has gotten me to be the person that I am today.

Special thanks to two ladies I had dinner with last night, both of whom I fell in love with yet left me heartbroken because they knew more about me than I knew about myself. It maybe wasn't the love we know and seek today but it was Love...and if you notice, it still is, over a decade later. And to the other one there that renders me speechless from the stage...I've literally spent the past 45 mins trying to find the words to express what you do and how you do it and how it makes me feel but I'm left without words. The show itself was amazing...but I see you and I remember why I fall in love. Passion is now an understatement...you are joy, you are love, you are LIFE!

Wish me luck and I will see you all on the other side!!!

The closing of the door, The turning of a page...

...the end of a chapter!

   I am sitting here on your average Monday night. A Manhattan in hand, an order of Sesame Chicken with Pork Fried Rice from the Chinese-Spanish fusion spot across the street, and a laptop. Your typical, glorious New York evening...except that it isn't.
   National Geographic maybe should have followed me around last week documenting my every mood-swung move as I bobbed and weaved my way through the city getting a few last minute things done before my departure. "Watch as the irrational artist quits everything he's work hard for, on a whim, in search of something mystical and intangible. And notice how quickly and easily he goes from joyous and ethereal to depressed and anxious." I am ripping my life to shreds with the hope to put it back together again, but better.
It's been surreal watching the life as I know it come to an end in anticipation for what's to come. I can't help but get overwhelmingly exciting when I think about the near future. About all of the things that are ABOUT to happen, but what get's unfortunate in this situation is being in the moment and noticing that everything must come to an end before the "new, exciting" things can begin. We all know how I believe in, and preach about the importance of the present, most importantly the ACTIVE PRESENCE in the present, but I can tell you, last week was purgatory. When we (we being ME) make such rash decisions like...say...I dunno...MOVING TO ISRAEL, it seems an amazing idea until it hits you "Oh...well if I move to Israel then I can't be here. And if I'm not here then I can't work all the jobs that I work...or even live life the way I live it...EVERYTHING must change." And this is exactly what happened last week.
   I started the week with the changing of the address. This means my ex is no longer tortured with the sight of my name every time he opens the mailbox. It also means that I am officially no longer a New Yorker...I am back to being a Miami-an (I would've said Floridian, but Miami and Florida are 2 VERY different places...let's be real!)
 Oh, how the mighty have fallen!
   Not that living with your parents is a problem, but living with your parents is kind of a problem (Hey Irony! Is that you???). Fortunately for me I won't ACTUALLY be living with my parents, but legally? On paper??? Yes, I will, actually be living with my parents!!! This will be the first time, I believe, since 2005 that my permanent address actually matched the address printed on my driver's license (don't judge). That, in itself, was an odd sensation...but that was done, the day came and went, and now it was time for Tuesday! Great...
   The day that I OFFICIALLY moved myself out of my ex's life...from the life and the home that we had built together (this is actually a valid WE). Tuesday was the day that the apartment was rid of anything that was mine and the storage unit was rid of anything that was his. My things are in storage (Because I've decided to move to Israel) and everything in that apartment is to be done with as he chooses. This was maybe the hardest automatic door to watch slide closed. I don't know if it's because this particular door has been trying to close for a few months now, or if it's because we were dealing such a strong matter of the heart, either way it was awkward. In rush hour traffic, torn between silences and "Wow...not much's changed"'s. It was amazing that we could close that door together with so much love and support for one another...still, however, doesn't change the sensation.
  After that trauma, I guess I treated myself to a little emotional break. I ignored the fact that there was still plenty to do and had a pretty normal week filled with healthy salads, or unhealthy pizzas and a lot of Brothers & Sisters on Netflix. Yes, everything SEEMED normal again... well, of course, until Friday.
   I have spent this past year making really good friends with a very special 6 year old on the Autistic Spectrum, and Friday was the end of it. Our last session. This beautiful, fun, trusting bond that we had created is now on hold. The little bulb of joy that would light up 3 times a week every time I walked into the room will now only be lighting for others, as I will be away. Had this not been sad enough he brings me a card that he opens for me that wishes me "luck everywhere I go," and 4 pictures of him so that if I ever miss him I can look at the picture and he will be there! I'm still getting choked up about it days later! He's such a special kid who's taught me to think differently. With a more opened mind, with less judgement, assumptions, and expectations. He's inspired me to give back however I can, so here I go...to manifest it! To take the energy from the earth,  and the sun, and other living spirits, come back to New York and give it back! (Is that right, GT? ;))
   Saturday was a hilarious "what are you doing???" conversation with my agent, Sunday was the "Ok kid, pack it up! ALL of it...now" and Monday (Yesterday/right now) was my last shift at the restaurant. Like light switches being flicked off one at a time, day by day, everything is coming to an end. But after I teach my last outreach classes in a few hours (Hello, 1:30am), put the finishing touches on my suitcases and the apartment, board a plane back home, then another to a foreign country, I will remember that it isn't in vain...it isn't for "shits and giggles" (though many of them will be had) this is about a manifestation.
"I wanna know love, inhale peace, exhale joy"*
   I was so impatient for this moment to come and here it is. It is time for me to take the inspiration given freely by a child of six, and absorb as much as I can to give it back!!!

Thank you all for being here with me!!!

~S

*Same Page by YaZarah (Blackstar)

MTA Philosophies

Ok so, living in New York City is FASCINATING!!! If for no other reason, than merely for the commute from point A to point B. I have decided to add a little tid-bit to my blog that I will call MTA Philosophies. This is where we learn important life lessons on the public transit of New York City. Here's what I've been working on thus far. Enjoy, Comment...and Take Notes!!!

1) The Tortoise and the Hare

In a city of Hares, it apparently gets hard to cross that finish line. Maybe if we all kept the even-keel of the Tortoise we wouldn't poop out at the top of the stairs. Just saying..."Come'on baby, you LITERALLY have another step or two to go! You can do it...JUST DO IT!!!"

2) What Robert Frost DIDN'T say:

Warning: The road less traveled...may be littered with homeless piss and excrement.
*Special Thanks to the back stairwell of the L train at 14th St.

3)"A horse is a horse, of course, of course..."

...but why does my cab driver, and his cab SMELL like a horse?!???
 Really? Kerosene, coffee, and a little bit of fart??? I would've been better off on the train!!!

I hope you've clicked "File; Save" on these lessons so you won't have to learn them the hard way like I did! Wishing you safe travels in the tri-state area and beyond!!!

~S

...to new beginnings!

Wow...so here I am!

I will figure out how to work and customize all of this soon, but I guess this is a start.

Now it becomes, oh, so real!

I have so much to learn...so much to explore and experience! This journey will be (and is already) so exciting. I can't wait to share it all with you!!!

Question...Is this only going to my "circle" of 7 or to anyone?...everyone?...I don't really know what I'm doing and I don't get this at all, but I PROMISE I will figure it our soon...Baby steps, right? :)

Well, if this is only going to be seen by my Sweet 7, than thank you! Thank you for being here, and supporting me through EVERYTHING...in agreement or not! ;) I love you Seven more than words can say! (Note: You are the Chosen 7, because those were my options to choose from...I reiterate, I don't know what I'm doing, HA! [This, however, does not down-play the love I have for you])
And if this is going to everyone, then thank you for your interest and support as well...we may not know each other now (or maybe we do...awkward!) but we will soon!!!

Ir-regardless-ly (Yes, I did...already!), here's to my new beginning! I hope it is, at the very least, entertaining to you if nothing else!!!

With much love,
~S